Monthly Archives: May 2004

In the beginning

From the outside, religions appear to me to be a bizarre collection of paradoxical, nonsensical beliefs. I really want to understand where I’m going wrong, because surely there must be something I’m missing, or misunderstanding.
So, this morning I was reading a few on-line articles about “the Fall”, in an attempt to understand the subtleties that have obviously eluded me, and led me to the erroneous conclusion that it’s all a load of bollocks.
But now, it’s all so clear!
You see Adam and Eve eating the “apple” was a deliberate part of God’s plan, because otherwise Adam and Eve couldn’t have had children and would never create “humanity” in the way God wanted.
“It was part of the Father’s plan, being both foreknown to him and essential to the human family”. So God deliberately planned the whole thing! From the moment Adam and Eve were placed in the garden, God knew they would eat the apple and knew that he would then be forced to cast them out of the garden because he was so angry (oddly it turns out anger is one of the seven deadly sins..but that’s another story). Without this masterful plan, God would never have been forced to send Jesus in. In turn, Jesus would never be able to “voluntarily” fulfil the pre-ordained plan of giving up his life for mankind.
Well now that’s all sorted out, I’m off to church.

Channel 4: Groundbreaking TV

In the UK we are lucky enough to have a channel whose remit is to:

  • demonstrate innovation, experimentation and creativity
  • appeal to the tastes and interests of a culturally diverse society
  • include programmes of an educational nature
  • exhibit a distinctive character

Tonight’s schedule:
21:05 Big Brother
22:15 Friends
22:45 Friends
23:20 Friends
23:50 Friends
00:15 Friends
00:50 Friends
01:15 Big Brother


A truly bollocks week. One long round of battles with morons, and general frustration with everything, topped off with a dollop of creamy crap on Friday when what should have been a simple reboot of the main SMTP server at work revealed that for the last 191 days it has been running, it has been slowly corrupting the filesystem. This is because of a known bug in the (redhat) kernel we were using. Oh for regular downtime.

Back home, we got the 550 quid from the landlady, and so now it’s just a case of getting back the remaining 200 quid the bastard thinks she’s stiffed us for.

No, I’m not happy at the moment. Work is pissing me right off, as is not being at work, because all I can ever see is life and money dripping away…
After a crap night’s “sleep” which mainly involved being awake, I got up and decided to have a cup of tea and watch some crap telly. The power switch on the telly seems to have broken. The lid was stuck on the milk. I know these are all petty things, but they’re just little annoyances that make the “stable” parts of life seem less stable and more irritating. And yes I got the lid off the milk in the end (with a knife) and yes I managed to jam in the power switch on the telly with a biro lid…

So what shall I do today ? One of the many tasks for my main job that I couldn’t do during the working week because I was too busy dealing with bloody rubbish that isn’t even my job…or maybe it is…I haven’t got a clue what I’m actually supposed to be doing these days.
Or perhaps I’ll do some of the work for other companies that I’m forced to do because money keeps disappearing, despite the fact that I’ll be taxed at 40 % on it and end up…oh god I’m sorry, I’ll stop whinging now.
Some good things:

P.S. – thanks to reader ‘al’ for explaining why there are two videos for Laura: “The band didn’t like their performance in first one with the hands and the
lightning so they made another one…..”


For the last few days I’ve been feeling more tired, achey and in pain. Today it was too much so I stayed at home and tried to sleep as much as I could. It has made me feel a lot better although day-time telly made me feel a lot worse, despite Des and Mel now being off the air.
There are probably loads of things I should blog about, but really I can’t be bothered. The reason for a long inter-blog distance is either being too busy, or ennui. I’ve had both, so in order to make life quicker and simpler, here are the things I would have blogged about if I could be arsed:

  • Blair’s days being numbered – mark my words
  • Wanker Bush not being dead…although I think most U.S. republicans probably agree with me on that one
  • Humph being nervous but even more adorable
  • Feeling crap about how bad I am at contacting my friends
  • Feeling annoyed about how poor my current place of employment is with regard to management
  • Wishing Jack Straw would fall into a vat of solvent “dip” and bubble away into nothing.
  • Wishing Herr Jack Straw would get whipped too hard by Frauline Helga and pass out so that the French resitance could shoot him in the face
  • Probably loads of other things I’ve forgotten about

Ah well, good night.

Fravia et al

Can one ask for more ? Almost perfect. I took the day off work and met Zap on the train en route to Ravensbourne college for a stimulating morning. Fravia, one of my all time heroes, was giving a lecture and it was totally inspiring. After the talk I even got to shake the man’s hand. Thanks Fravia.

Afterwards, I, TenYen, JS, Zap, Jim and Derek had a very pleasant chat which reminded me how many sound people there are in the world. Very enjoyable. Hope we all get to meet again soon.
So then, Zap and I walked into Chistlehurst to go to the pub (after a very long detour that a friendly chap with naked-women-tatoos, and a quiff, pointed out was bogus…long and tedious story).
Despite the rain, we had some nice conversation in the outdoors, some good food, some good Guiness, and it was a truly lovely day.

How sweet to be an idiot

A lovely weekend. The usual sort of friday experience – the work managed to pile up and so by the end of the day a select few of us sought refuge in the Union where the beer is cheap, and the giggles are free. For various reasons I had to blow out a meeting with Toby on Friday, so instead we met up on Saturday and spent the afternoon chatting in the Watch House…a bog standard Wetherspoon’s pub. Great stuff. The second good saturday in a row. After a little siesta, Michele and I watched the Eurovision song contest which was one of the best I’ve seen for years – truly bloody awful.
As the sun came out today we arranged to meet Mod and Ian in Greenwich for a picnic. Being a woman, Mod was an hour late so Michele, Ian and I had to have a couple of pints in the Mitre. Beautiful day, nice picnic (smoked salmon taramasalata is even better than it sounds), and then home to Humph.
As we were walking back from the park I had a tune stuck in my head – “how sweet to be an idiot”. Imagine my surprise when seconds later, at the bus stop, we met one of the worlds biggest idiots! What are the chances of that happening eh ?
A squat, twatty-looking geezer, in a fab retro nylon shirt, talking to a young bloke. The conversation went something like this:
“I was born just after the war, and we ‘ad none of this. Na, nuffink like all you ‘ave. National service…blah blah…money…blah clothes…rant…so if I was in charge, I’d get rid of all the immigrants from all the world. I wouldn’t get rid of the busses, as long as they ran on time.”
Ignoring the paradox of the last couple of assertions, the young man asked if he himself would be out of favour being Irish.
“Naaaah. You’re English”
“No, I’m Irish.”
“Naaah you’re English. If you’re Irish, you’re English.”
“No, I’m Irish.”
“Ahhh naaaaaah, you’re English aint ya ? I mean, Irish, Scottish, Welsh and that – you’re all English really aint ya.”
Michele and I had to walk behind the bus shelter to conceal our belly-laughs.
The 177 bus arrived. In order to demonstrate, to the rude throng of uncivilised immigrants around the bus stop, how we do things in ENGLAND, he barged right to the front of the queue and waved his bus pass angrily at the driver, who, having a full load, closed the doors and drove off.
Clearly it was now time for this proud Englishman to demonstrate the correct response which is to shout:
“BOLLOCKS. That’s fucking bollocks that is. Fucking bollocks.”
The young Irishman, still amused, fueled his anger by suggesting that perhaps the bus was over full because of the immigrants…which caused a pridictable response. The idiot ranted for a bit about having hundreds of pounds on him and how no-one would mug him because he “runs things round here” and then another bus arrived. The 199. Now, this bus takes a different route, and goes to a totally different part of London, but, so as not to let another single immigrant take a seat which was rightfully the property of an Englishman (be he Welsh, Scottish or Irish), he once again elbowed his way to the front of the queue, and barged on. What an ambassador for the country.
On the journey back we wondered how anyone could have such firm views on things which were so utterly stupid. The answer can only be that he spends his life drinking with men of equal, or greater, idiocy. Every time he makes one of his lunatic assertions, eg
“If it was up to me right, I fink that everyone, in the whole world should be English”
Rather than walk away in astonished disgust, laugh or punch him, they probably say:
“This is it!”

“I reckon the only reason the trains dont run on time is because the government give all the money to the blacks and the pooftahs.”
“Zactly, this is it.”
Thus strengthening the field of stupidity around them all, and making them all feel more justified.

I mean, this is it!

More sad old gittery

Watching The Hits on saturday (a bit like The Box only more crap) got me addicted. When Freeview came out it was essentially the Kylie and Timberlake channel. But, as more people get Freeview it appears to be getting more safe.
Several tunes have been squatting in my head recently, and now, after a couple of failed attempts and a couple of quid, I have the videos. If you don’t know “Mass Destruction” by Faithless then you are probably over 30, like me, and will hopefully discover how brilliant it is soon.
While I’m on the subject, could someone please explain why the video for “Laura” by “Scissor Sisters” on The Hits is totally different from that available all over the Internet (from legit and dodgy sources). Oddly, the one on The Hits is, IMHO, far, far better. If anyone knows the story of why there two different videos then PLEASE let me know.
Apart from falling in love with Ana Matronic and the bloke from Faithless, I have been leading a very normal existence. Cash worries, existential terrors and work being shit, are all factors which have sparked a new interest in getting a new, stupidly overpaid, job. In fact, this prospect is keeping me going at present.

Earlier this week I was fortunate enough to see Alex, Alvira, and Judy, on Alex’s last night before he flew off to a new life in Mexico. It’s surprising how emotional this made me feel. Good Luck Alex.

CU Friday Tobes 😉

Good night

“Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction” – Faithless


Yesterday, deprived of IP in the am, Michele and I watched the two crappy music channels that Freeview managed to scrape out of the gutter. Normally these provoke gobbing at the tube; Britney, boybandz, Kylie ad nausiam. But we were lucky enough to get the few good tunes. The Streets- you’re fit but don’t u know it (read the bio – the guy *must* be alright), Scissor Sisters – Laura, and Jay-Z – 99 problems. OK, as “artists” they have all produced a lot of shit. But these particular tunes are all…”def”…as we used to say in my day 😉 And the vids all work. Makes me happy in a sad way.

Brilliant Talent

Trying to face a weekend without IP was enough to keep me awake last night. As soon as I surfaced I got on to 151. Their automated service let me know that the problem we still had, had been resolved, so I phoned back. BTW – don’t bother with their convenient “call back” service – it sucks and is still slower than waiting on hold (hey it’s an 0800).

When I initially reported the fault, I cried down the phone and told the poor sod about how I was likely to commit suicide and take some people with me. Evidently he made a note on my record because when I called again, the woman I spoke to treated me like she was working for the samaritans. She even told me that “If I could personally climb telephone poles I would – I’m so sorry”. Not only that, but within 20 minutes we had an engineer here! On a saturday! The poor bastard ended up spending 2 hours tracing our line from the hole in the wall right back to the exchange using his little osc/amp setup. Every manhole inbetween had to be taken up and it turned out to be down to the engineer who installed the line in the first place…who forgot to tell the exchange that he’d re-routed the line to another pair…nice bloke, but what a twat.
However, I have to say that getting everything back in order within 2 hours of making a call really does make me feel better about the UK and really makes me want to give “Helen” in cutomer services a great big passionate kiss. Thanks Helen.

Once the saviour had got us all back up, Michele and I went to Moonbow Jakes in Brockley to see Alex…who is about to go to Mexico for ever and ever…I have to say that it was one of the best afternoons I’ve had for years. We got to meet lots of people who all turned out to be really sound, lovely people. Been a while since I met anyone who I really liked, and today there were fucking millions of them! Nice one Alex – we’re all going to miss you.

We got home, appreciated Humph, ordered a curry and then watched Abigail’s Party (as a result of an earlier conversation). What a piece of brilliance that play is. It gets more difficult to watch each time and yet every actor becomes more accurate. It brought back old memories – Stacey and Ash – please get in touch – I miss you both.

Bumbling Tossers

Deja Vu! It took six fucking days to get our phone line switched on, despite the line being there already. We have a week of telephone service and then this morning – no dial tone. The helpful guy on 151 tells me it’s an exchange fault and they should be able to get it back up by monday…. MONDAY ?
My brain is in a troubled state at the moment and I’m clinging to any security blankets I can – ADSL is one of the few things that make me feel comfortable with the world. Sad, but true. Now, thanks to some fuckwit in our local exchange, we’ve got a “dry” weekend to look forward to. No working from home for me…nothing. I persuaded the guy to make it priority to limit the chances of me going postal.
As Michele said, it’s probably easier to get phone service in Iraq at the moment than to get a dial-tone with BT.