Monthly Archives: July 2005

Welcome to MegaCorp

As it is only my third day at the new job, it’s unfair to judge it too harshly. But I’m going to anyway. From here on in it will be referred to as MegaCorp.

MegaCorp is hugely massive. Saying it’s bigger than I’m used to is a severe understatement. It’s bigger than anyone can conceive. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s too big to be comprehended by anyone, which obviously includes the C*Os. However, despite its ludicrous size, the whole functions like a well-oiled machine; a well oiled machine thats totally fucked in the most fundamental way.

To give you a taste of how it all works, or doesn’t, here are some guidelines for survival at MegaCorp.:

  • You need to GLA, preferably TLAs.
  • For every administrative task that needs automating, provide at least two systems that are both incomplete and incompatible
  • Calculate how long any job will take by multiplying the realistic time by two and adding two more days.
  • For every employee in a normal business, employ five. Then split each group of five into two competing groups with disarmingly similar acronyms. Then, each group can blame the other for failing to do any work:
    “Nothing to do with us, pass it to NOBHED.”
    “Those bastards are always doing that – tell FUKFAYS they have to initialise the process before we can touch it.”
  • Ignore 2/3 of all email. You’ll be too busy otherwise. And if someone can’t be bothered to mail you three times it can’t be that urgent.

Ah well. Once I get access to all of the things I need access to I’m genuinely looking forward to getting my teeth into some good technical stuff. Luckily the guys […and I mean ‘Guys’ – AFAICT there are only two women in the entire building…] I’m working with are technical and there are plenty of opportunities to get deep into some juicy code.

In the beginning

Apparently I’ve had a week off. I know because of the calendar. It feels like I just left work this afternoon and now I have to start a new job tomorrow. Owing to the fact that all personnel HR departments, in all sectors, appear to suffer from the same level of bollocksness, I have no idea where or what time to start work tomorrow. So I’m going to turn up at 9am and just hope it all works. To be honest I’m cool with such lax arrangements at a place of work. And what’s the worst that can happen – a sacking ? Hmm.

Last night was great despite being quiet. On second thoughts, perhaps it was great because it was quiet. Quality time with Michele, Humph and a top curry is just what I needed. Even the TV looked promising; The Royal Tannenbaums was scheduled and I’ve always wanted to see it. The IMDb reviews are quite peculiar because they are either full-on raves or bile-filled rants with no-one sitting on the fence. I’m delighted to announce that I’m firmly in the hate camp. Not loathing, that’s reserved for Peter Greenaway films, but “anti” nonetheless. As my dad observed, ” I kept waiting for it to start”.
None of the things we were promised were present, for example “humour”, “darkness”, “insight” or “being interesting”. We gave up after about forty-five minutes because we were diverted by watching Michele’s nail polish dry.
Later, out of desperation rather than insight, I put C4 to watch Birthday Girl. Despite being obvious Hollywood crap (I mean it’s got Nicole kidman in it FFS), might provoke some interest. What I got ,after some investment in time, was a well acted, clever little comedy drama that kept me glued (give it half an hour before you turn it off). And Nicole Kidman turns out to be a really great actress too. Well bugger me.

Afterwards, as I was wallowing in post-movie thought, there was an urgent knock at the front window which nearly caused my heart and rectum to panic. I looked out to see an old, old friend that clearly wasn’t there because he lives on the other side of the country. As my legs started to crumble beneath me, I looked again, and he was waving! Oh Jesus, is this it ?

Naahh….Steve Harper was really there, together with Pete and Bill from down the road. He’d come up for the weekend and was kipping there the night. So, the least I could do was invite them in for a chat and that’s what I did. The most I could have done was to offer them some tea/wine/etc but, being crap and still stunned I didn’t. Sorry Guys.

And so, to bed (via an episode of The Sweeney I taped earlier).

London bombs

The inevitable anti-muslim backlash has begun following the recent bombings. The usual meaningless tripe about “groups linked to Al-Quaeda” has been spouted almost non-stop by the press since the morning of the blasts. But whichever bunch of nutters is responsible, all they have done is moved the fascist fader in the brains of the Great British public, up a few notches. An odd, but utterly predictible outcome for such an act.
As someone on the radio, possibly Charles Clarke, commented, the plot “went under the radar of the intelligence services”. This I find genuinely odd and can only imagine that MI5/GTAC were looking in the wrong place. In other words, perhaps we should hold off before we decide who’s to blame.
The last time a terrorist “went under the radar” in London it was the right-wing psycho nazi nailbomber, David Copeland. Copeland was trying to start a race war and got away with three nail bombs before being caught. The spooks couldn’t have done it without the help of moles within the far-right. In the grand old tradition of MI5, they missed this plot from the fascists.
Copeland was mentored by extreme nazi lunatic David Myatt who, after his lifetime of nazi theorising, now claims to be a muslim. He is also a supporter of suicide attacks. Cynics might suggest his conversion to Islam was simply a method of spreading tensions beween religions and races.

Either way, he, Copeland and all of the other neo nazis are presumably delighted by the bombings and the racial tension they will assist in heating.

Er…that’s it

Since the last blog lots of things have happened. Obvious really but I thought I should mention it because I don’t plan to try and remember them in any detail.As humph preens my hair, here they are in a nutshell:

  • My last week at Goldsmiths has been and gone. More about this later.
  • I Still haven’t written to anyone 🙁
  • For health reasons ,I have stopped drinking.
  • Michele had a birthday.
  • We had our eighth wedding anniversary.
  • My sister has moved back to London at last!
  • The 120GB Maxor hard-disk I bought to replace the 80 Maxtor drive that packed-up without warning, packed-up without warning. I’m now the proud owner of a 300G Seagate drive and in the process of recompiling my music collection. technology…tchoh…
  • 4 bombs went off in London during the rush-hour and,without wanting to belittle the terrible trauma of the families involved, very few people were killed or injured.
  • Live 8 and G8 came and went
  • All of the Londoners who didn’t even want the sodding olympics still got a warm smug feeling when the announcement was made. But purely because it didn’t go to Paris 🙂
  • other stuff too probly

Yesterday was my last day at Goldsmiths. It’s true to say that after 13 years I’ve become a tad institutionalised and so it’s very difficult to believe at the moment. There was a leaving do in the Hobgoblin after work and it was great, if not a little emotional. Not drinking at such an event is surprisingly enjoyable. Apart from remembering it the next day, I didn’t feel ill, didn’t say or do anything regretful and still had as good a time. Weird eh ?

When I resigned, it was made clear that I didn’t want a collection or a ceremony. Mainly because I’d left and returned several years ago; two collections would be a bit embarrassing. They cheated and made a collection but turned it into a kitty to buy everyone drinks which was great. They also bought me a present, wrapped in brown paper to reduce its presentishness. The perfect present in fact: a USB hub and combined coffee cup warmer! Fantastic.
[Humph says: 8ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttt ]

There were cards full of really lovely comments, an excellent custom-made t-shirt [“veg – out”] that loads of people signed. lots of people I haven’t seen for ages turned up too. Lovely to see you folks!

Plenty of people took pictures so there should be some up soon.

This morning, Suzanne was kind enough to help me move my 13 years of office detritus from work to home. Two huge carboard-boxes full of junk, an old Alpha, and a ZX81. We’ve got too much stuff in our little flat…

When I got home last night, the realisation that I’d left the place kicked in and caused me to panic. Scary things.