For the last week I have been busy generating mucus, coughing until I puke, and feeling like death. The doc described it as “acute bronchitis”, but I called it a right pain in the bollocks. Being a bloke I knew that I had lung cancer, a brain tumor and beri-beri but dealt with it in a mature and stable way, as my wife will concur.
After four days of being able to do nothing but hurt myself coughing and soak everything within a 10ft radius with sweat, I went to the quack who managed to sort me out with some wonder pills he called “anti-biotics”. Blimey, these things are incredible. Like the rest of my family, including my wife, I am allergic to penicillin. Until recently this has meant not getting any medication to fight infections. Well, that’s not entirely true. The doc used to give me a choice of pills:

• Little pills that were about as much good as a chocolate teapot.
• Little pills that were about as much good as a chocolate teapot but also gave me severe stomach cramps and even worse wind than normal

. But these new ones seemed to sort me out in a matter of hours. When you’re really ill it always feels like you’ll never ever feel well again, a feeling which is worsened by the affect of daytime TV, and so when you do perk up it’s quite an uplifting experience.

The news did nothing to lift my spirits either. In the same week that Nick “motherfucker” Griffin and his weasel mate got found not guilty of inciting race-hate (ironically, by getting caught inciting race-hate) the whole of islam has mobilized in a mission to demonstrate that they are in fact the bunch of intolerant fascist psychos that the right had been accusing of them of being for a long while. Well done guys, the membership department of the BNP will have been super busy this week.

You see, it’s not the minority of nutjobs with their “destroy Europe in the name of muslim peace” banners that upset me, it’s the mainstream people who normally provide the acceptable face of Islam. They’re quietly and clamly arguing for a peacful banning of cartoons that may cause offence…

Cartoons are supposed to be offensive!, Over the years I have spent a huge proportion of my time laughing at cartoons that prick the pomposities of politics (right and left), religion and just about everythign else. Many of them criticise me and my beliefs, sometimes making me rethink stuff…although more usually reinforcing my original opinions.

If George Bush attempted to ban political cartoons that may cause offence to god-fearing white nazis I would not be at all surprised…likewise I would be violently angry. But now that Islam has demanded something similar the reaction of the left has been very reserved. Oh dear, our brothers and sisters who opposed the war with us are suggesting things that are a little bit..un PC. There’s no section in the “bluffers guide to middle-class guilt” on this one! What shall we do ?

In a wonderful mixed metaphor on BBC News, some London muslim cleric or other said

“yes, but freedom ends where my nose begins.”

Look, I’m an atheist. I don’t care if you want to believe in Jesus, Mohammed, or the Jolly Green Giant, just don’t try and fuck around with my rights, and I won’t try to fuck around with yours.

The main argument I have for not reprinting those cartoons is that they’re a bit crap and not very funny…but I’m not going to be blowing myself up over it.

For the last few days I have been in the strange, obsessive world of coding. From sunday morning to tuesday night I was buried so deep in code that I couldn’t do anything else, including sleep. By today I had achieved the goal, a goal that had seemed impossible and soul-destroying only hours before. Unfortunately, the final result of this painful period was something that the casual observer would regard as a slightly crap animation.
They can’t see I’m loading PNGs into a microscopic pure C app at runtime. They can’t see the animation is on a fully transparent, layered, window. They certainly can’t see that the alpha layer is being properly merged with the background in real-time. They can’t see that any further animations are going to be a piece of piss. But I don’t care…it works, looks perfect, and I can sleep again.
We had a six hour “brainstorming” meeting today and it was pretty tricky coping. Going from such low level bit-twiddling to high level, high-concept, discussion in such a short space of time is not easy. But they ordered pizza at half-time so it’s not all bad. Another day of it tomorrow, and thus another day Humph is left at home. It would be no exaggeration to say that she was overjoyed when Michele got home today. Despite recent moments of fury with her when, for example, she takes my mind off of the course of intense concentration by pecking off my escape key and running away with it, I hate leaving her at home during the day. She takes it as a personal slight.
So much to rant about, so much wearyness.
Bye George! Meeeeeeow!

Michele is back, much to the relief of Humph and me. She brought us both presents so we forgive her.
She missed very little except a couple of pub visits, Mira’s birthday and a night with Andy watching Alfie and eating curry…which were pretty good events all round to be honest. Humph is visably more happy now that mum is back.
Workwise I have moved from the fashionable region of OOP back into the filthy, functional and low-level world of C (no plusses)…and what a joy. Moving back has increased productivity, reduced stress and enriched my life. Bye Java, welcome back gcc my old friend.

Politically it is a very interesting time, too interesting for this 3 minute blog and for another time. The following is a list for my benefit of topics thatr are currently foremost in my mind:

• Cannabis propaganda, mental illness and omissions.
• Galloway etc
• Charles Kennedy
• Yes Minister
• Rich Hall

Night everyone…

At last, now that Poland is in the EU, we can get hold of the delicacies that were previously so difficult to procure in the UK. Feast your eyes on the cornucopia of delights available from Polish food importers Mispol. Don’t miss out on:

• English Goulash
• “Oak” Pork Neck
• Sandwich Fat with meat and onion (available in jar and circular shape)
• Excellent Ham
• Hunting Tripe style goulash

The other night More 4 showed a Dispatches about the aftermath of the Iraq war. What is certain and will be of no surprise to anyone who has access to uncensored media is that Iraq is not the happy, peaceful, democracy we are told it is. In fact it is currently probably the most dangerous and unstable place on the planet and far from being run by a democratically elected government it is run by a collection of religious warlords.

The drive of the programme seemed to be criticising Blair and Bush for not having predicted or acknowledged that this would happen. Indeed it was clear from the interviews with experts that had briefed both leaders that despite warnings they clearly had no idea what they were in for. Some great examples:

• Before the invasion, Bush invited several Iraqi religious leaders of different faiths (Sunni, Shiite etc) to the whitehouse to watch the Superbowl and see what they were missing by rejecting western capitalism. On it’s own this demonstrates a shicking lack of understanding but it gets worse. Bush was genuinely surprised to discover that the leaders didn’t get on because, after all, they were all muslims weren’t they ?
• Before the invasion, Blair invited a bunch of experts to Number 10 to discuss the aftermath of the war. This excellent report descibes the events and suggests that not only was the war to go ahead regardless of any advice the experts my offer, but that Blair was desperately trying to justify it…to himself. One of the experts, Professor George Joffe (Cam/Lon), was alarmed by Blair’s “cryptic” interjections, perhaps the most telling of which consisted of him asking:
  

  “But he [Saddam] is evil isn’t he ?”

  This is our Prime minister.

Now, I agree that this demonstrates dreadful ignorance on the part of our glorious leaders but surely that’s not the point.
The point is that the war was not instigated by Bush or Blair, it was simply the next stage in the Ultra-right’s plan. Bush and Blair didn’t make any decision, they just do what they’re fucking well told. Did the ultra-right not predict the chaos that would ensue ? Maybe, maybe not, who cares ? Certainly not them. As far as the Neo-cons are concerned the mission objectives were met. The oil is secured and they now have a puppet government in place that, although powerless, will justify any action the U.S. needs to take in that country in the future. After all, the goverment speaks for “the people of Iraq”
Yesterday, one of the more blatant neo-cons was wheeled onto the Today programme to discuss how the world should react to Iran’s decision to continue with their Nuclear programme. His answer ? Regime change of course.

On saturday:

• The bog got blocked
• The Hoover stopped working
• The TV blew up
• My CDR drive stopped working
• I broke a chunk off my front tooth eating a tandoori lamb chop

The current state of play:

• Handyman plunged the bog which fixed it until he’d gone. Now blocked again.
• New Hoover delivered by Argos. Buying a new Hoover is one of the least exciting, satisfying or enriching experiences in the world.
• Borrwed a 14″ telly off my Dad and yesterday the rental company replaced our knackered telly with a refurbished second-hand one that works a bit better. Renting TVs and videos is good like that. Weirdly, it seems that one of the most familar and well known high street chains, the chain through which we rented our gear, Radio Rentals, doesn’t exist. Go on, Google it! They’ve been airbrushed out. Michele went to Lewisham to find the shop – gone. No details on the web – nothing! Did they even exist ? Was it a dream ? Turns out that we are now renting from a company called “box clever”…well they take our money and fix our telly so I can’t complain.
• Got a new DVD+-RW-CDR/RW-A-GO-GO!
• I still have fangs

And so with a broken bog and deformed teeth I face the prospect of a week without Michele who is off to the States. I really wish I was going too…

Richard Dawkins managed to articulate everything Michele and I (and Michele, and I), feel about religion tonight. Given 10 years to prepare material I still wouldn’t have been able to better his arguments. It’s so good to know there are sane people in the world. It’s also good to live in a country where that sort of material can get on national TV at 8pm. Pity no-one was watching really.
Weirdly, if anyone decides to copy, encode and redistribute this wonderful lecure, they’ll be guilty of piracy! Oh the irony! Keep an eye out for bittorrents.
My favourite part was where the evangelical nutjob explained to his joyful congregation about the importance of “obedience”. They responded by raising thier arms into the air. It really did look and sound like a Nazi rally. All the more pleasing to hear Richard Dawkins accuse the pastore of leading a ceremony that resembled Nuremberg. Pity Dawkins was not allowed to go further and accuse the pastor of actually preaching fascist doctrine (which he was). He has a weekly conference call with George “Puppet of the New Fascist Order” Bush, but it’s OK, God’s in charge.

Meanwhile, the real political situation in Britain has been enriched by George Galloway’s decision to move into the Big Brother house. Really! I’m sure if he were ever to be brought before a court he would have a convincing reason for why a MP [public servant] should spend two weeks of his tenure on a reality TV programme. I’ve been confused by Mr G. On one hand he’s anti-war, on the other he appears to be a self-interested, fascistic, shitbag. But no-one could fault him with his treatment of the bastards in the U.S. court.

Looking back at Christmas, it couldn’t have been better unless all of the people I knew in London had turned up for a drink. Unlikely, as they were all with their families hoping for a visit too, so that had bad odds. But it was, in all, a good exponenet of the genre. Some examples of ancient traditions being upheld:

• Christmas Eve: expecting a quiet night to avoid a let down…changing my mind and going out…and it was quite good. Met up with Tony and Zap in the Rosie for a couple. The new guvnor (number 71612 this year) was very pleased to see us, if only because the late night custom was looking doubtful. We left at “closing time” (as we used to call it before the new licencing laws) , just as the DJs had started to play their peasant-wedding-style set. Off to the Hobgoblin to pass on Christmas greetings to The Fairy Godmother and Wee John. After a few “get out, we’re closed” type comments they invited us in and we shared an hour of pleasant conversation with them, Welsh Mike and the other regulars. Sorry, that should have read “we talked drunk pub bollocks” with Welsh Mike and the regulars. When it was time enough for us to leave we said our goodbyes and staggered out into the cold. I then broke my golden rule: if going to the New Cross Inn seems like a good idea after the pubs shut, then you are clearly too pissed to be making that sort of decision and should go home. Luckily, the presence of bouncers and a 5 quid entrance fee was enough to dissuade us and we resigned ourselves to getting home before the busses finished and getting to bed at “quite” a late hour. However, good sense was not to prevail! I’d forgotten that Vicky, a good acquaintance, was now running the NXI. She not only insisted we came in for a drink, but waived the 5 quid entrance charge. Drink, hip-hop, slurring, leaving late, chicken shop….that sort of thing.
• Christmas telly! OK a lot of shit and if I hear “Fairytale of New York” one more time I’m going to loose control. Don’t get me started….but there were good things on too. Cube! Ok, pretentious and pretty ridiculous, but very enjoyable in a sick sort of way. Minority Report was surprisingly good! Posing the question of whether one can be rightly accused of murder before the murder takes place ?”. Of course, in these enlightened times we know the answer is yes! That’s what Guantanamo Bay and Belmarsh are for!
• Yahtzee. Anyone fancy a challenge ? I’ll bet anyone that I’m crapper at any sport, game or contest than them. My sister thrashed me.
• Cheese, sherry, wine, turkey and smoked salmon. Nuff said
• Crap British 70’s sitcom spin-off films! On the buses, dad’s army, likely lads, the list goes on. We know they’re crap! We know they’re full of diabolical, racist, sexist, right-wing, bullshit, but if you grew up in the 70s there’s something forgivable about it. Like having a brain-damaged sibling or something. And at least the Clement/LaFrenais ones have some good jokes too.
• Humph! Green and pink! The christmas bird!

This week was my first week of employment with the new guys. Over the last year or two I’ve done a lot of working at home and it is now clear that interest in the work is the key to productivity. No other factors matter. And this project I’m very into so it’s been a surprisingly productive few days…fortunate when you consider how much stuff we have to do in the next few months…eeek. Scary but interesting and exciting even…hells bloody bells I’m a sad bastard…

Al-Queada have given up on their bombing campaign and have instead infiltrated TFL. That can be the only explanation for how shit London’s transport infrastructure has become. This morning Michele and I walked out of the gaff at 8 am. We both got to our respective workplaces at 10:15; me to Westboune Park, Michele to Ilford. Over two hours! We could have been in Holland by then! And at least we’d have been able to relax once there…but we weren’t going to Holland, we were going to work. How bizarre is the whole business of going to work. You waste hours of your life every day, going to a place you dislike (usually), to do a job you dislike (usually), with people you don’t give a fuck about (usually). The journey is so harsh that by the time you reach your workplace you want to kill everyone including the nice people….but instead you HAVE to stay there. Nope – you’re not allowed to spend your lives with the people you like and love, that’s against the rules. You have to work!
You’d have thought that by 2005 the human race would have evolved enough to sort out this bizarre, unproductive, and unhealthy state of affairs…but it’s as bad now as ever…possibly worse.
Some reading:

• The Right to be Lazy

Have a good night folks.
I’ve got to get dear Humph off my head before she craps in my hair again…

A bunch of 13-14 year old schoolkids got onto the DLR while I was on my way to Canary Wharf the other day. They engaged in the typical sort of behaviour you’d expect from them: shouting, running about, talking shit etc etc. But then one of them called his friend something that I found genuinely shocking. Now, as I have made very clear in the past, there are very few swearwords that can shock me these days, but when I heard a 14 year old, in 2005, call his friend a “Silly fish” I was taken aback. I haven’t been as surprised for at least ten years when all the urban skallies started calling each other “fool”. But “silly fish” ? That’s surely more P.G. wodehouse, Jennings or Just William than Millwall-massive isn’t it ? Leg-a-lamb…arrrrrrr!

So my time at Megacorp is over. The last day was like any other, except with the addition of a curry at lunchtime and a leaving card, nonetheless it still made me sad to walk out of there for the last time. If it hadn’t been the goldsmiths ball that night I’d probably have got all emotional…instead I just got pissed and tired.

Friday I went up to my new workplace to sort out the contract. It’s in Notting Hill, which as a sarf-landanah I really don’t know about. But, the film notwithstanding, it’s really got something going on there. Even though I’m only in 1 day a week from now on, I reckon it could be good fun being up there.