Open plan perl holidays

Perhaps we were spoiled at G********s with our own offices with windows and doors and everything. Or perhaps open plan offices are objectively evil ? I’m tending towards believing the latter. Imagine the misery of spending 8-10 hours a day in the same, small train compartment, with the same people for more than say, a week. Imagine if you were permanently listening to one half of their telephone conversations in the knowledge that they could hear everything you said on the phone as well ? After a few days, at most a month, you’d want to kill all of them. In fact, by a month you’d probably want to keep them alive enough to ensure the tortures you were applying were still hurting.
Welcome to my new office!
My immediate workmates really aren’t a problem. Partly because they’re thoroughly amenable chaps, and partly because they’re hardly ever there. Either way, not problematic.
No. It’s the other bastards that I hate. Over there, to the left is “John Tuggit”. John has a very nasal, squeaky voice. At this point allow me to introduce you to an new SI unit of measurement:

The Tedium:
Defined as a number of hours in the company of John Major,per hour.

Based on his voice alone I’d give John Tuggit at least 4 Tediums. But when you take into account the loudness of his voice and the fact he spends all fucking day on about Windows, the score increases massively. In fact he was last measured by SIMOB (Societé Internationalé Measurellement d’Obnoxios Boredome) as a masive 9.5 Tediums! I have dreams about slitting him open with sharp edge of my MegaCorp inspirational mousemat.
Rather than try to describe all of the pathologically annoying shitheads that live in my office-space in one go, I’ll spread it out. Tune in next time for the tale of “The Boysey Speakerphone Lardbrains”!

For the last week I have been reminded, by professional pastimes, of the many reasons why Perl can fuck right off.

Hang on, it’s important to recognise how good perl can be. It’s a very useful language and you can do a massive amount in a few simple characters. But, and today I have overused this metaphor far too many times already, I see it like Gaffa tape [duct tape]. It’s really useful and there are no shortage of jobs that you can do with it. In fact our hot tap, after being repeatedly vandalised by my sister, would not be functional without Gaffa tape! However, there are limits. I wouldn’t build a house out of the stuff (unless I was currently stranded on the roof in New Orleans). You can fix-up your sofa, guitar, and a thousand and one other things with gaffa tape. But making your clothes out of it is clearly going too far. See what I mean ?
Yes, lets do a regular transfer between two incompatible databases in perl. But no, let’s not write an air traffic control system. Another person whose head I’d like to eat is the person who saw perl and said “Hey! This is good, but just not object orientated . Why don’t we fuck it up ?”

Sorry for the obscurity there.

Tomorrow I’ve taken off work. Purely to save the life of a couple of MegaCorp staff with really irritating voices. Michele is off to the land of the free on Saturday so it also means we can spend more time together and I can still have a few drinks to celebrate Llynos’ leaving G********s.
Night all.


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