This link will take you to one of the most nausiating websites in existence, and I’m not talking about the Moonfruit Flash aspect of it – although that doesn’t help. It’s “The Official Website of the world’s first mini it girl”. Her name is Jade, and her mother is odious, leather-look, never-was, and one time shag of Jeffrey Archer: Sally Farmiloe (does a lodda good work for charidee, doesn’t like to talk about it). Her website is even more nausiating. Be sure to check the messageboard, sponsors page and “how did you hear about this site” quiz. As for “Loo time” it’s way beyond parody.

Been a nice few days after a messy Friday night. The Union had a valentines day do thing with a Britney Spears “tribute”. Her and her two dancers obviously take it all very seriously, and at 800 quid a night they probably should. We didn’t stay late and so missed the extravaganza but we did see them reherse. Strange, but that sort of turn could well be the real Britney or a computer generated hologram for all the difference it makes. I must have been pissed because I ended up dancing(no not to Brit), with Michele this time.
The next night Michele cooked up a special valentines day meal – STEAK, with oven baked tomatoes, asparagus and some posh salad. Perfect. Sunday was the usual routing – spent the day coding:

• vejotp got enhanced.
• www.fatsquirrel.org is now available in gloryless WAP. Haven’t got round to putting these bologs up yet in WAP but I doubt there’ll be many tears shed
• Designed a nice PHP class to provide my workplace (no longer will I mention its name) with a web based news service. I do like OOP. Although C++ can fuck right off…

Utterly pointless I’m sure you’ll agree, but if I could spend my life engaged in such pointless work, you would never hear me complain. Donations welcome.

In the evening we went over to my mum and dad’s. My dad had done a CD copy of a superb blues compilation and I returned the favour by lending him my slapp happy CD 🙂 My sister was there and was in better spirits which is good. She had some really, really crap photos of her trip to Prague but it looked every bit as beautiful as I remembered. A good night tho’.

Isn’t it odd that despite being surrounded by banks that, according to their advertising, are friendly, different, listening banks that put the customer first,
they all seem to treat us like pubes in custard. Isn’t it a shame that the same marketing company that were responsible for “Death” fags don’t get hired by the
banks ? The first time I see an advert for a bank that says “We’re into making money and you can help us, at your own cost. Possibly even your own life.” I’ll sign up for their special low interest account immediately, confident that they’ll never betray my ill-founded trust.

Unlike SMILE. Yes, smiley smile, the different bank. The friendly, human bank with whimsical quizzes on their web site. The spin off from the co-op that don’t have to bother living up to all the ethical stuff.
With a chuckle still in my heart after reading the hilarious, cynical quiz on the front page of smile’s website today I phoned them asking to transfer
some money from the credit card to my current account so that I can pay the lovely tax bill. The, very helpful, sympathetic and underpaid lady I spoke to told me that smile, couldn’t do it because they’d decided to cancel my credit card without telling me.

Well anyway, she was nice enough to re-enable it and sort me out. She was human and therefore the enemy of the bank.

So I went to the Wxxxxxx arms with Peter B. It’s still one of the only proper pubs left and despite the newly aquired slightly threatening atmosphere, aided by
the landlords incredible resemblence to “dodgy” dave courtney, it’s still refreshingly comfy and pubby. Only in a real pub could you overhear a conversation lik
e this:

“Feta. That Greek cheese, you can get it in great big blocks”
“yeah it’s about fucking 3 or 4 quid for a little block”
“Yeah”
“You wouldn’t catch me eating that shit. Fuck that! Nah, I picked up a
lump a cheese. Massive, like that. Fucking massive, proper cheese. Cheddar.
Massive lump of cheese, that big right….3 quid.”
“3 quid?”
“3 quid.”
“Massive. I cut the cunt in ‘alf and give it to me sister.”

A good week really, despite Saturday. Most of Saturday was spent in Lewisham hospital with a friend who was in a bad way. On sunday things improved; Abby brough
t Jake round and we went for a walk on Hilly fields. Michele and I went over to my mum and dads’ afterwards and had a superb lump of lamb. Tina also came over and we all drank too much and chatted. Good stuff, although I needed to take monday off because the weekend was just too short. Weekends should be 5 days long.

In case you haven’t seen that diabolical filth that Apple and Pepsi (as bad as it sounds) crapped out during the superbowl, you can see it on their website. Dead kennedys did a version of that tune where the lyrics were “I fought the law and I won”. Twatty college limp-wristed rock lamers Green Day are now destined to burn alongside Lars Ulrich, Dr Dre, Britney Spears, MC Hammer and westlife in Satans post-vindaloo arse of fire.

Anyway, last night I went to the launch of the London news review at the Limelight, with Mod, Zap and Mod’s friend Theresa. A great night. It must have been good because I danced..a lot and didn’t get back until about 3am. We were expecting a few celebs there but the most famous person any of us saw was Dave Gorman…

It seems I’m not the only one who was outraged by the recent Government lies. Quite a few people turned up outside downing street yesterday to protest, and to burn the Hutton report. You probably didn’t know about this because a sudden, non-specific “terror” alert was published which dominated the news. I don’t blame people for being worried tho’ – this time there was a suspected link with Al-Quaeda and everything. Could have been spetember 11th all over again and we must be vigilant musn’t we ? Freedom is slavery after all.

I went with Alex and we stood in the rain and shouted a lot. After a walk to some record shops we went to a pub and met up with Zap and Ana. Nice day.

Later on I went in search of a Slapp Happy album, following a recent mini-obsession with them on the basis of hearing 1 track and reading loads of fan sites. Eventually Tower Records provided a double album for £8.99 and so I snapped it up. First CD I’ve bought for years. I thought back to being 15 and going to Groove Records in Greek Street. If someone had told me then, as I walked out with a brand new Steady B album, that in 18 years time I’d be getting just as excited about buying a CD of an early 70s German pop band…I would probably have jumped in front of a bus.

It’s been quite a week for obsessions. Slapp Happy…now almost sated. Then there was my little Java project. Last week I had an idea for a Java Midlet (applet for a mobile phone) that would generate one-time-passwords. So I spent a while writing one..and it works! Almost totally pointless in this day and age but still. Tax return – this has been an obsession for about six months. And this week I submitted it! So I’m in need of something new to be obsessed with – postcards please.

Sorry – I can’t let this one go past without sticking my oar in. You see, the difference between this and the run of the mill government whitewashes of yesteryear is that we saw the inquiry and had full access to the evidence. Like with an Agatha Christy novel we could all play detective and try to work out whodunnit. However in this case the evidence was so stark that you wouldn’t need the uncanny skills of Mrs Marple or Hercule Poirot to work out that of course the government lied. Every pundit, journalist and bystander was waiting patiently for Blair to get a right pasting and, surprise surprise, Hutton paints a halo on him and attacks the BBC ? Even ITV sounded shocked about the outcome. It’s a sad state of affairs when the only person on the news who seems to share my anger about the whole shabang is Boris fucking Johnson.
So Gred Dyke resigns, and his employees come out in protest. If my boss were to resign I don’t think we could muster a demonstration against it, and that’s not because no-likes this person, but you’d have to feel pretty strongly about it to consider standing out in the cold waving banners. And it is really, bloody cold today.
There’s a protest tomorrow outside Downing street.
For the record, here’s what I think went on…call me a conspiracy theorist if you like, that just demonstrates you don’t like questionning what you are told.
Hutton starts writing his report. As a government patsy he makes the government out to be not as tarnished as they should be. Meanwhile No 10, MI5 and MI6 are terrified that they are going to be revealed as even slightly questionable at a time when public confidence is already dangerously low. So, a couple of very senior intelligence officers approach Hutton in some posh London club, and gently “encourage” him to change tack…in the name of the Queen…for the defence of the realm…to protect the constiturion…for ENGLAND…etc etc..you know…that sort of MI5 bollocks they always say. So he tears up his original attempt and writes a long love letter to those bastards in No 10 and follows up by sticking pins into tiny dolls of Greg Dyke and John Humphries. You couldn’t make it up.

[the ‘d’ on the keyboard is dodgy this time. Please excuse typos]
A day after the last blog about Eltham, a news item appeared on the local news which illustrated why the presence of the Eltham Grill, Booers and a nice church wouldn’t be enough encouragement for me to move back there. At 5pm a woman, walking along Court Road, was repeatedly stabbed in the face with an 18 inch screwdriver, weilded by a bloke she didn’t know, who had just leapt out of a car. Amazingly she was fine and managed to grapple the screwdriver out of his hands. Eltham means “place of swans”.

One problem with the Atkins diet that is neither mentionned on the website or in the book is that it can seriously limit the number of sandwich reviews you can write. So, dear reader, I’d like to urge you to consider reviewing a sandwich or two. The next time you buy a sandwich, no matter how pedestrian the filling, keep the sticky label that has the name, price and title on it, so when you are near a computer you can run off a quick review. It really doesn’t take long, and it could save a life. I’m sure.

This week has gone past extremely quickly for me. I don’t know whether it’s down to endorphins released by the high-fat diet, the lack of alcohol or being really busy but it was quite an enjoyable week. One thing, now I’m thinking about it, is that I managed to solve a long running, diabolical problem with an LDAP server that was causing lack of sleep on my part, terror on the part of a colleage, and self-righteous anger on the part of several hundred students. This little success shone a much brighter light on the working week.

Still no letter from Satan’s lawyers. Hmm.

Thank GOD I don’t live in Texas. One of Channel 4’s new freakshows is all about Texas and the supposedly mad things that go on there. You can forget the actual subject matter of each show, just look at the scenery and the “normal” people there. They all look the same sarge; big blokes in shorts and baseball caps or big women in ugly dresses. They go on about God all the time in the most surreal, nonsensical way and then lock themselves in their houses where they can spend the rest of their evening spamming loads of Internet news groups and bulletin boards with how great it is to be free and to have found Jesus.
There was one about Texan muslims. Mad as arseholes of course but not as mad as the majority of the others who claim to be Christian. One voice over accidentally summed up the whole of the American way of life describing a born again Muslim:
“…she changed her name to Jasmin and swapped her business suit for muslims clothes.”
Beautiful. Switching one religious belief (capitalism, family, christianity) for another. A different uniform, a different lexicon, but still just another religion. Another attempt to find the answers to life by following people who claim to know.

Tonight the news is full of people wringing their hands at how dangerous the Internet is and how the new “3G” revolution is going to make it easier for paedophiles.
Chat rooms – BURN THEM!
Web cams – BURN BURN BURN!
Anarchist sites – BURN THE WITCHES!
Mobile phones – BURN!
The Internet – BURN!
You’ll never stop evil thoughs while these vile things exist. Take a leaf out of Iran’s book – restrict all access to the Internet except for good, wholesome sites that preach the correct things. And it’s not just the Internet either. Another, even bigger, threat is already with us, right under our noses. Books. Books can be used by terrorists, paedophiles, communists, anarchists and vegetarians to propagate evil thoughts. Unlike the Internet they need no power and their storage doesn’t degrade for thousands of years. It’s time to take action against this scurge: Burn your books and your neightbours books. Burn all bookshops and libraries. After this we need to remove the evil words from our language and form a new, clean, pure language that doesn’t allow people to articulate these vile concepts, until they can no longer exist even as thoughts. Only then will we be truly free.

Microsoft’s lawyers have been trying to get in touch with me. It seems they think my fuckhotmail.com site is an infringement on their trademark. Poor little sods. Either they haven’t realised it is simply a satirical work of art and not commercial in any way, or they are unaware of an interesting legal precident. Either way I’m chuffed to bits. Pissing off Microsoft with something so trivial turns me on you know. I had a long chat with their lawyer today, hell I’m not paying him after all, and it seems they have been trying to send me a “cease and desist” letter for the last month. And they failed. I mean I know our postal system isn’t what it was, but still…Firstly they sent a courier round who attempted to deliver the letter to “Reverend Victor Edgehead”. Someone in the house, the downstairs neighbours probably, told them, quite rightly, that no-one of that name lives here. It’s a joke name you see (although I am genuinely a minister of the Universal Life Church) However, they quickly deduced my real name and address – something that should take a brain-damaged monkey less than a minute do achieve, and still failed to get in touch with me. In a pathetic attempt to get my attention, they decided to try and attack me via my work, a typically sneaky, underhanded, impotent Micrsoft maneuver. If they had really wanted to get in touch they could have tried calling my workplace, or even sent me a letter by post…but no.
Anyway – they’re going to try and send me the letter by post now…if they can sus out how to stick the envelope down and work the postbox. I’m looking forward to receiving it as I’m sure it will look great in a frame.

What irritates me about this sort of thing is the blatant, shameless hypocrisy. Why the fuck should Microsoft, one of the richest companies in the world, give a toss about my rinky-dinky little protest site ?
Not only that, but why should the law be in a position to help them ? Despite living in a supposedly free society we can’t actually alter the law. All we can do is choose which self-interested, lying bastard we want to represent us in government and hope they do us a favour. Ultimately, money wins in all things. Money makes and breaks laws all the time

Justice is open to everyone in the same way as the Ritz Hotel.
– Judge Sturgess

“If freedom is outlawed, then only outlaws will be free”
– A.N.Other