This will be brief, and I promise not to mention it again on this blog. Talking about proper politics is a good way to get labeled a conspiracy theorist.

Think of the world as a Risk-style board game where you are playing as the USA. The dollar has lost most of its respect and therefore, under capitalism, its value. Meanwhile, the Euro has been doing rather well and Europe seems to be getting on like a house on fire. Not good for you, as America is it ? Then consider Russia, with enormous energy reserves and a newly capitalist friendly economy. Russia is also getting on very well with Europe. If those two join forces, the dollar is toast.

So, how would you, as the US, make a comeback (remember that this is just a game, and that you have to try to “win” )?
How about taking a worthless ex-Russian state, say Georgia, and then encouraging Russia to “invade it”? You could then summon devilish images of Stalinism, or even Nazism, and everyone would defend you. Especially as no-one actually trusts ex-KGB Putin. But how could you possibly encourage Russia to invade Georgia ? Well…what if a chunk of the country has a Ulster-style belief that they are still part of Russia ? Also, what if the president of Georgia is a maniac with a deep-seated (albeit justified) hatred of Russia ?
All you need to do is supply Georgia with arms, training and promise to support them. You could even promise them entry to NATO. Then you point them towards South Ossetia and stand well back.

You have seen the result. For the first time in a long while, it’s not about oil! The pipeline in Georgia is a cunning red-herring designed to engage the support from the cynical. Even the most left wing anti-war protesters would be prepared to believe Russia was responsible. But why would Russia really give a toss about an oil pipeline in an ex-state when they have more natural energy resources than you can shake a stick at ?

The news networks have all been displaying bizarrely inconsistent views of the situation. But I can’t help noticing that the real news is getting out through stealth reports. For example, tonight on BBC America was a long report about America’s “hard stand” against the revived red-menace. Then there was a report about how, in the last week, the dollar has rallied against the Euro; an event that could be regarded as evidence that the real background of the “Georgia crisis” was an attempt to destabilize Russia from its comfy relationship with Europe…and thus helping lose confidence in the Europe. Seems to be working.

The answer to the question “Who attacked whom first” is Georgia attacked South Ossetia first. This was reported on the news at the time but now you’d be hard put to find any news network willing to say so. But there are enough first hand reports from disinterested and comparatively trustworthy sources if you look around. There is no question about this as far as I am concerned. Even Saakoshvili admits it, with the defence that he believed Russia was planning an invasion. In other words, they hadn’t invaded already.

Some more questions you may want to ponder over. Why was Putin so obviously furious, if it was his invasion ? Why would Russia be in the slightest bit interested in regaining Georgia when they have masses of natural resources and a bright future in Europe ? Why did Georgia attack South Ossetia with no provocation ? Were the US Marines, currently stationed in Georgia, involved in the attack on South Ossetia ? If the Georgian attack was directed towards a Russian invasion, why were they attacking the civilian population of South Ossetia ?

You may think that is is a conspiracy theory. I think you’d only be half right.

The Georgia conflict has many people very confused. That would have included me until a few minutes ago when I saw Larry King “interview” Michael Gorbachev, and then “interview” Mikheil Saakashvili. Normally I’d have gone away just as confused by the arguments, but today I had read a disturbing article, forwarded by my dad.
The article disturbed me because it presented a view of the recent events in Georgia, Russia and America that would, if true, show that I have been sucked into the PR machine and been tricked. But, if they turned out to be false, then certain things I have observed to be true, would be wrong. Read it, all the way through, and then help me out.
It seems that the article is suggesting several things (forgive my childish summation here):

1. Russia doesn’t give a toss about taking back control of Georgia.
2. Russia doesn’t give a toss about the oil pipeline that goes through Georgia.
3. America deliberately constructed the whole Georgia situation to undermine Russia. They hoped Russia would retaliate to the military action so that their credibility as a European ally would be bruised.

Now, to me that sounded way too far fetched. But over the course of the day, things started to become clearer. No matter which way I thought about this, the only logical reasons for what is going on over there were…well…bizarre. It would mean that the news networks of the world were being coerced into avoiding the truth. And I mean avoiding the truth. They weren’t necessarily lying (apart from Fox, but they don’t count), but they have clearly avoided certain facts. For example, do you know the answers to these questions ?

Who invaded whom first ?

Do you know ? Do you have an idea ? Did Russia invade Georgia ? Or did Georgia invade South Ossetia ? Is South Ossetia part of Georgia or part of Russia?
If you don’t know the answers to these questions then do some research. I’ll stop talking my bollocks now.
But the answers are pretty fucking clear. The conclusions (and answers) another evening.

On the way to work this morning we saw a mullet-headed, mustachioed, baseball cap-wearing, smoking, cock-end who was not only driving the most obnoxious vehicle you can imagine, but he had adorned the rear with a sticker that read “Drill Here. Drill Now. For Cheaper Gas Prices.”

This I find offensive. Not just because he’s talking about drilling yet more oil so he can drive his pathetic cock on wheels for a bit longer, but because it seems abominable that someone as utterly stupid as he should be allowed out of his house, let alone on the road.

One the way home I sat on a bus, in a traffic jam, with three of the loudest, most ill-informed fuckwits sitting directly behind me, all discussing the bible. For the entire journey. If the jam hadn’t cleared when it did there would have been ambulances.

What were your family doing in 1914 ? Mine went to a wedding, and here’s the evidence. Some aspects of this picture are truly frightening, even more so when you know how old (young) they were. As my father in law observed, “looks like they had a really good time.”

By the way, My grandad is one of the kids in the front row.

Imagine for a second that you were the dictator of a vast country with loads of cash to hand and the knowledge that your subjects were so scared of you that you could pretty much set fire to them and make them jump though the air with a smile on their faces. Then imagine you were asked to host the Olympics and in doing so impress the world. How would you do it ?

Well, if you were unlucky enough to watch any of the opening ceremony this evening you will know the answer. To be honest, it was a pretty easy question. The answer is, of course: force thousands and thousands of chinamen to smile and dance about and spend a disgusting amount of money on pyrotechnics and electricity. Obviously, you can raise the money needed by “asking” the thousands of chinamen to give up their homes, lives and anything you bloody well feel like they should give up.

Yes, the sight of thousands of chinamen dancing in exactly the same way with glow sticks is an amazing sight; you don’t see that every day! But if you were a dictator in a country containing millions of chinamen it would be a simple matter to get them all to dance for you.

In preparation for this “inspiring world event” lots of really nasty shit occurred including:

• People being kicked out of their houses so that they could be destroyed without being given compensation
• Thousands of people had to be called upon to help clear a virulent algae
• People being laid off work so that the factories in which they slaved stopped producing nasty chemical waste that would have caused Bejing to fail the environment cleanliness test.

But this is nothing special compared to the stuff the Chinese government does on a normal daily basis – you knew that of course, as do we all. You don’t have to remind “the free world” about communist China’s appalling human-rights record. Even George “Waterboard” Bush felt the need to castigate China for their policy torture (that must have pissed them off). Of course, a civilised country like America would never mistreat human beings – that’s what Cuba and Syria are for.

So, it should be no surprise to see how extravagant the ceremony was. Of course it was, and of course it involved millions of compliant chinamen. Did you expect anything else ?
But what we should really be looking at is what’s between the lines. All of the good capitalist advertisers paying stupid amounts of cash to get mentioned inbetween the flaming chinamen. My personal favourite is McDonalds who placed their “Golden Arches” on a red background in homage to the hammer and sickle. I’m sure some people on the board responsible for this commercial found it funny even. It isn’t funny. In fact it could be one of the most significantly unfunny things you have ever seen.
[ Update – it has been pointed out to me that red was always the background color for the arches – they also used the same color scheme for the 2004 Greece Olympics so I’m not being fair here. ]

China is not a Communist country; it is in an extremely advanced form of Capitalism. Look on western world – it’s what we will become. I wont use the F-word because many people regard that as “taking things too far” but that’s what it is. If you think I’m talking about the word “Fuck”, you are so wrong.

You’ll know when it’s coming because you will be asked by your government to be “patriotic” and “vigilant”. You will also be warned about “terrorism”. When that happens you know you’re en route to the F-word.

P.S. if you were offended by my deliberate use of the word “chinamen” throughout this post, then you have a long and tedious future ahead of you that permanently involves missing the fucking point.

Last week, at the Manayunk Brewing Company, I met Michelle (two “l”s) who reminded me a lot of New Cross. In fact if I had to draw a simile between Manayunk and New Cross, the Manayunk Brewing Company would closely map on to the Hobgoblin. They’re wildly different places, but there are a lot of cultural similarities, including the possibility of meeting interesting people. In fact if Michelle is ever unlucky enough to leave the University of Penn and move to London, she should probably go for a job at Goldsmiths – it would work.
It’s hard to make friends when you move to a new town/state/country and so when you meet someone who speaks the same language it’s quite comforting. Michele and I have been lucky enough to meet quite a few like-minded people in Manayunk; including parrot people!
Anyway, tonight Michele and I went along to a local benefit do that Michelle (two “l”s) had helped organise. There was a free bar and free food, and we hoped to meet some other local people and partake in the atmosphere. Apart from Michele and Michelle meeting and chatting, the only other person we met was a Texan sailor who was moored in Philly for the week. He turned out to be a “thoroughly bloody nice chap”(tm) and was very popular with the laaaydees. Not quite what we expected but we were enjoying ourselves regardless.
There was a massive set of raffle prizes, and we even won $40 of vouchers for our favourite pizza place, together with two t-shirts. I gave my t-shirt to our salty friend as a memento of Manayunk and he was so chuffed that he offered us his raffle prize of a voucher at some womens store or other. We both pointed out that he’d be better off giving it to whichever young lady in the place he wanted to impress. As if by magic, a young lady appeared at that very moment and attached herself to him before dragging him off to a table full of other young ladies.
A good night all round.

An odd side-effect of moving over here is that I appear to have taken the first few steps on the staircase of tea snobbery. When you consider that getting hold of an ordinary electric kettle in this country is a major undertaking, tea-snobbery sounds unlikely. But there’s one other difference that makes the everyday grind of American life the most fertile of soils for tea-poncery: they don’t tend to put milk in drinks over here. This has some surprising side effects.

Firstly, the only “normal” hot drink in the diners and eateries is coffee, and when you order a coffee the only option is “cream ?” If you order tea, you don’t want to put cream in it (obviously) so you have to specifically request milk, and as the water is usually way below boiling, and the tea is usually piss-weak (despite erroneously being called “orange pekoe”) it’s easier to get your tea fix by drinking it black. Likewise, American offices don’t have milk in the fridge; they tend to have “creamer” of the “Coffee-mate” style. This results in frustration for those of us that like the flavour of tea. In the UK you can drink filthy shit like Tetley because the milk takes the edge off. Ever tried black Tetley in a white mug ? Ew. And as for cream…don’t be silly.

So, over here you have a choice between black Tetley and black Liptons. One bitter as Tim Henman, the other as weak as Charles Hawtrey on opium in a car crusher.

Anyone who loves that teay flavour (is teay a word ?) is forced to go for some of the hardcore varieties. Luckily my sister visited recently and brought us some Twinings’ Assam, which has proved invaluable in providing the right level of mouth satisfaction. But I was craving more…in particular…Lapsang Souchong. Sadly, that stuff is like rocking-horse droppings over here.

However, last week a couple of work colleagues and I went to the mall at King of Prussia where we knew that traditional Cajun food (cooked and served by Koreans) was available cheaply. On the way back to the car I noticed Teavana, which [“dirty”] Tom had recommended in the past, and so I apologetically dragged my colleagues in with me. About ten minutes later I’d spent a disgusting amount of money on two large containers of the most delicious tea I’ve ever sipped. Despite my friends [one from Venezuela, one from Puerto Rico] laughter at my enthusiasm, I felt contented. The other colleague there was from India and she seemed more understanding about my excitement. Maybe not.
Anyway – this tea gave me a constant level of contended excitement all weekend and I fear the day that it runs out.

Hmmm tea….

Another weekend shoots by. Nothing achieved beyond finishing Watchmen, watching some good films, playing with parrots, and changing our telephone hold music to a 9 minute jazz-bagpipe rendition of Greensleeves. I’m not joking:

Pity the poor telemarketers. Never before have we been so willing to give our phone number out to people.

When you move to a new country, or even a new town, it takes time to make friends. Firstly there’s the problem of meeting people – that’s not easy. Secondly you have the problem that most of the people you do meet are complete arseholes. Obviously the latter judgment is very subjective. So, when you do meet people you like it’s a very heartwarming feeling, almost like a crush.
This week has been fun:

• Going to see the new Batman film with my neighbour, Tim, and a another friend, Carl. Before I knew anything about this film, it seemed appealing, and once it was released, everyone I spoke to raved about it. Annoyingly I think it does live up to the hype – but it’s not a kids film. In fact, it’s pretty disturbing. Regardless, it’s an utterly enjoyable way to spend two and a half hours.
• Kevin’s band had a gig on South Street; that was an entertaining evening. He’d managed to persuade a load of people from his workplace (my ex-workplace) to come along, and once we’d all payed to get in, and realised they didn’t have an alcohol licence, all had a very pleasant reuinion in the bar over the road. I brought along a friend from my new workplace, “Dirty” Tom, and we all got merry before crossing back over the road to watch the band.
  On stage, Kevin is incredible. He goes from shy and retiring, to extrovert rock god, with plenty of self-deprecation and humour. We, and the rest of the crowd, loved it. Once they finished their set we reconvened in the bar over the road. An excellent night – and loaded with anecdotes that I don’t want to inflict on you.
• Wednesday night hosted a leaving do [something they don’t say over here] for my ex-boss. I like him. Even though he’s psychotically workaholic, he is also a genius, highly witty, and very good company. The other compelling reasons to attend were that it was being held in the Manayunk brewery, it was going to be filled with the people I liked at the old place and it would almost certainly be a piss-up.
  It did not disappoint. I can’t really describe how good it was and the only video evidence for the night is sadly insufficient. Here it is anyway.

Other stuff went on this week but I don’t want to inflict it on you dear reader.

The oppressively hot and muggy atmosphere is finally beginning to ease off. On Saturday we even left the house for a few minutes…to drive to the offy [wine store]. On the way we noticed that someone on a nearby street was having a yard sale with an apparently massive collection of DVDs for sale. So, on the way back, we stopped off to peruse the wares. Stopping at a yard sale can be a very depressing experience; apart from the pedestrian collection of worthless crap for sale you also have to deal with the knowledge that the people selling them are probably really desperate for any money at all. But this one was different! Not only was he selling a collection of excellent films, but he also had a mini-USB to USB-type-A cable – and at that particular moment I needed one of those quite urgently.
We got talking to the guy and it turns out he is a stand up comedian who not only does a lot of TV but is managed by some very famous Hollywood people. What is a well known TV comedian doing selling dodgy DVDs and mobile phone adapters in Philadelphia you are probably wondering, with a cynical sneer. I still wonder about that, but I know he was telling the truth – not only have we seen photos that back this up, but we have done enough net research to discover that he is legit. Apart from being managed by a Hollywood starlet, he’s also done “The National Lottery” (UK) and met Dale Winton! So I’m sure you’ll agree he’s clearly made it. He even met Al Fayed. Where do you o after that ?

He was an utterly excellent bloke too, and we enjoyed watching his DVDs. Funny old world.

I’ll spare you from the inevitable rant about the evils of DVD “copy protection” – you don’t deserve that cobblers.