“The harder I work, the faster my money go”
Big Joe Turner – Shake, Rattle and Roll

Today England play Nigeria in the world cup.
Like many people thoughout the country I am off sick. However, there are differences between me and everyone else:

• I am ill
• I will not be watching this tedious cack.

Instead I shall watch bob the builder and eat an onion bagel.

Another good reason for blogging – Anger management. Journalling ones angry thoughts promotes calm….

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS ARE SCUM

ahhh…breathe….that’s better.

Today is extreme computing 2002. I can’t stay too long unfortunately – pity… Good timing tho’ – works network is unavailable from the outside world while they do some mucking about with power-feeds so going out sounds even better. It’s like loosing a leg when that network’s down…
# ping x.x.2.89
PING x.x.2.89 (x.x.2.89): 56 data bytes

🙁

How embarrassing. Eastenders was put back an hour for match of the bastard day. This was the last straw, so I phoned the BBC duty office (08700100222) to complain – apparently they log and pass on all comments.

The bloke on the end of the phone did not seem to be that interested in my opinion, that match of the day should just fuck right off, and so it got slightly personal:
“Look, I’m not having a go at you, it’s just that there
are lots of licence payers who don’t like football, and who don’t give a toss about the queen.”

“But there are lots of licence payers who do like football and if we didn’t cover it then they would complain.”
…
“Come on, you’re scottish – surely you must agree that the jubilee is a total waste of time”
“actually I’m Irish”
“Oh shit. I’m so sorry.. that was stupid….but anyway, as an Irishman surely you must agree…hold on…Rupublic of ireland or Northern Ireland ?”
“Northern Ireland”
“Look, I’m really, really sorry. I fell like a right twat now”
and so I do. I blame the two bottles of wine.

Sorry man – but it turns out I’m a right wanker…

Now and again it’s nice to spend a long time away from the telly, engaging in mentally stimulating activities.
But today was not such an occasion. I shamelessly watched an hour and half of big-brother action. Michele was out on a case, leaving a perfect opportunity to do all of the things you can’t do when your wife/husband/parents aren’t there (like looking for your christmas presents, pissing in the sink and eating things out of their containers with your hands) but I did none of that. Just watched a shameful amount of telly.
Being a voyeur, Big Brother is excellent entertainment, however I feel sorry for those TV-watchers who like to keep themselves to themselves… today they had the choice of football, religion, the queen, football and big brother….

But despite this orgy of disgusting vegetation I did have a play with the Nokia cables kit that I bought a while ago. What a cool toy. Managed to unlock my wife’s 3330 and my 6210 with no hassle. Also, after hanging around in some seedy areas of IRC I managed to get hold of some good software for mucking about with logos and ringtones off of some shady bot on the east-side of EF-Net. Regardless I still rate Gnokii as the best toolkit around for legit mobile manipulation.

Three football matches on TV this morning. Ben is staying here and he’s “into the footy”, so they’re all being watched. I go to have a bath – one of the greatest pleasures in life, a long, deep bath, radio-4 or maybe a book… so I turn on the radio. Ah, a programme about ‘Socrates’; sounds interesting!

But, hold on. Something’s wrong. We don’t appear to be discussing critical reasoning…in fact it sounds like…oh god surely not…yes…FUCKING BLOODY FOOTBALL. There’s no escape. As Charlie Brooker said in last week’s Guardian, “What an appalling time this is for non-voyeuristic, unpatriotic, football-hating Britons”.

Oh yes, http://www.fuckhotmail.com/ is open for business.

It seems that the last US census produced a load of Scotts! Without any warning America has been invaded with Scotsmen, who then killed the same number of yanks – that can be the only explanation for why so many suddenly appeared. To celebrate this massive invasion, which seemingly went unnoticed by the US DoD, a new TV channel is being launched called [cringe] “Tartan TV”. Now all these “Genuine Scotts(TM)” can enjoy real “Scotch” culture by watching 24hr porridge-eating, caber-tossing and kilt-wearing competitions.

I wonder if they will follow the example of the billions of “Genuine Irish” and open theme pubs:

PLEASE WAIT HERE TO BE SEATED

“Hi! My name’s Morag and I’ll be your waitress for this visit to McDougalls Genuine Scotch Pub. If there’s anything you want then please DINNAE be afraid to ask.
Can I interest you in any of our Genuine Scotch(TM) starters ? We have Scotch Oatmeal (with real Scotch Maple syrup and bluberries and a bonnie heather garnish)…etc ad nauseam….

OK call me a hippy if you like, but this song was on an album of kids songs my dad gave me when I was very, very young…it was the 70s, but even so it is spot on – especially today. Mail me if you can’t find a copy in the shops 🙂

THE THOUGHT STAYED FREE
by Tom Paxton

a thought was born in the mind of a man
and it didn’t please you and it didn’t please me
so we all got together and we made our plan
to drown that thought in the deep blue sea

so we wrapped it up, in a chain we bought
cos it didn’t please you, it didn’t please me
to the bottom of the ocean we threw that thought
and the chain went down but the thought stayed free

we locked that thought in the dungeon cell
we slammed the door, threw away the key
and how it happenned no-one can tell
for the door stayed locked but the thought went free

so the councillors met and laws were passed
the laws were nailed on every tree
all the sheriffs were summoned, and troops were massed
all the tanks turned out but the thought went free

then the councillors fears were realised
and they were frightened as they could be
for they only had to look in peoples eyes
for the terrible news that the thought was free

yes the thought was free and it spread like fire
though it didn’t please you, and it didn’t please me
it was banished from the land by the king’s desire
and the boat pulled out but the thought stayed free

now worst of all in this terrible tale
though we tried to hurl it from our shores
not only did this troublesome though prevail
but worst of all one thought bred more

(my transcription, so my fault if there are mistakes. I love Tom).

If you’re planning a visit to England and are keen to experience English culture then now would be a perfect time! Look at all of the oh-so-England things you can experience at this special time of year:

• Weeks and weeks of football everywhere you look, every tv programme, every commercial, every pub, every newspaper. Football, football, football, football, football, football, football.
• British summer! Yes that uncomfortably muggy moist feeling, coupled with a grey-tainted appearance of the sun from behind a cloud yielding a truly gloomy feeling that overcomes your entire being.
• Ladettes on every TV channel, desperately trying to demonstrate how into ‘the footy’ they are. As a result of these morons there is even more football football football on the footballing telly and every footballing other footballing place you footballing turn.
• Baddiel and Skinner is on! Yes, two blokes, one sofa, no script, just loads more fucking football.
• Football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football,football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football
• The Traditional English Boozer! Recently refitted of course and without any character and with outrageously expensive drinks and with a massive 10ft screen showing non-stop football, football, football over and over again with no stopping, and where there’s no football then the highlights and the results and football, football, football bloody football…that permanent crowd sound sapping every bit of creativity and inspiration from every cell in your body…the tedious monotonic monologues from the commentators…the stillness in an otherwise lively place as hundreds of identical-looking short-haired blokes and their brainless ovine girlfriends all stand motionless in their overpriced synthetic football tops watching 22 blokes kicking a piece of leather about on a strip of grass. When it’s not eerily quiet, it’s so loud your eardrums ache as everyone leaps into the air screaming for joy, because one of the 22 blokes has managed to convey the piece of leather into a specific part of the grass strip.
• Fighting! What English saturday night would be complete without a fight that ends in hospitalisation! Usually the fights are related to drinking too much (whilst watching the football, football, football). For extra special violence then try pubs near football grounds! Just go in there wearing the wrong overpriced synthetic football strip and they’ll happily adorn you with a blood-shirt.
• The JUBILEE! What joy as everyone in Britain celebrates the outsanding achievement the queen has made by being a queen for a while! There’ll be awkward parties in the streets, bored children, uninterested millions, hours and hours of TV voxpop interviews (inbetween the endless hours of football football football) with insane arseholes who like to sleep outside someone else’s house.
• More football! So much football that you can’t believe that its all real.
• Award winning tv adverts featuring lifestyles that you will never achieve and loads more football, football football
• News about the middle-east, the rise of fascism in europe and more importanly football, football, football

You think England have got a chance then ? Yeah I reckon they have yeah. Did you see the footy last night ? I love football, I really fucking love it. I could watch it all day every day for the rest of my life which is really fortunate because I won’t have a choice…