five

People who can receive Channel 5 five know what to expect and usually don’t pity those that can’t. Nonetheless it still does manage to surprise me with its sheer determination to produce the lowest of the lowest common denominators. Apart from the “adult dramas” and documentaries about pornography, prostitution and ibiza, their straight documentaries are also surprisingly and unmistakably five. For example last week they had a programme on the Battle of Hastings. It was less than five minutes into broadcast when the cover slipped and we were reminded that this wasn’t BBC4. “Can modern management techniques help us understand why William beat Harold ?”…Cut to Dr Shyster of New Cackfield College Of Management Bollocks who then, with the aid of a powerpoint presentation, a pointing stick (god no) and his waistcoat, described the great battle of 1066 in terms of a “hostile takeover of a company named Great Britain by a project manager named William”.
In fairness there were one or two interesting factoids in the programme, but an equal number of items of pure fecal matter.
However let’s not be too harsh. It was probably great for the army of unemployed kids with MBAs. Not only would they dig the jargon, but they’re likely to be watching because they can’t afford to go out at night: they’re still paying L3wisham College fees for the MBA course they took two years ago in the desperate hope that it would be their passport to the high life.


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