Bronchial Mucus

For the last week I have been busy generating mucus, coughing until I puke, and feeling like death. The doc described it as “acute bronchitis”, but I called it a right pain in the bollocks. Being a bloke I knew that I had lung cancer, a brain tumor and beri-beri but dealt with it in a mature and stable way, as my wife will concur.
After four days of being able to do nothing but hurt myself coughing and soak everything within a 10ft radius with sweat, I went to the quack who managed to sort me out with some wonder pills he called “anti-biotics”. Blimey, these things are incredible. Like the rest of my family, including my wife, I am allergic to penicillin. Until recently this has meant not getting any medication to fight infections. Well, that’s not entirely true. The doc used to give me a choice of pills:

  • Little pills that were about as much good as a chocolate teapot.
  • Little pills that were about as much good as a chocolate teapot but also gave me severe stomach cramps and even worse wind than normal

. But these new ones seemed to sort me out in a matter of hours. When you’re really ill it always feels like you’ll never ever feel well again, a feeling which is worsened by the affect of daytime TV, and so when you do perk up it’s quite an uplifting experience.

The news did nothing to lift my spirits either. In the same week that Nick “motherfucker” Griffin and his weasel mate got found not guilty of inciting race-hate (ironically, by getting caught inciting race-hate) the whole of islam has mobilized in a mission to demonstrate that they are in fact the bunch of intolerant fascist psychos that the right had been accusing of them of being for a long while. Well done guys, the membership department of the BNP will have been super busy this week.

You see, it’s not the minority of nutjobs with their “destroy Europe in the name of muslim peace” banners that upset me, it’s the mainstream people who normally provide the acceptable face of Islam. They’re quietly and clamly arguing for a peacful banning of cartoons that may cause offence…

Cartoons are supposed to be offensive!, Over the years I have spent a huge proportion of my time laughing at cartoons that prick the pomposities of politics (right and left), religion and just about everythign else. Many of them criticise me and my beliefs, sometimes making me rethink stuff…although more usually reinforcing my original opinions.

If George Bush attempted to ban political cartoons that may cause offence to god-fearing white nazis I would not be at all surprised…likewise I would be violently angry. But now that Islam has demanded something similar the reaction of the left has been very reserved. Oh dear, our brothers and sisters who opposed the war with us are suggesting things that are a little bit..un PC. There’s no section in the “bluffers guide to middle-class guilt” on this one! What shall we do ?

In a wonderful mixed metaphor on BBC News, some London muslim cleric or other said

“yes, but freedom ends where my nose begins.”

Look, I’m an atheist. I don’t care if you want to believe in Jesus, Mohammed, or the Jolly Green Giant, just don’t try and fuck around with my rights, and I won’t try to fuck around with yours.

The main argument I have for not reprinting those cartoons is that they’re a bit crap and not very funny…but I’m not going to be blowing myself up over it.


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