Standing on TV like a flesh and blood Guy Smiley with his gormless, vapid grin, ludicrous hairstyle, and wacky posturing, you’d think that Vernon Kaye was a completely expendable moron. But please don’t be fooled, he’s not what he seems. You’d even be forgiven for thinking that he could fuck right off and stuff his slimy repartee up his arse…but it’s just a clever ruse.
The sinister truth is that he was created, Steve Austin-style, from the remains of a car crash involving the bastard son of Roger Moore and a fresh leg of New Zealand lamb. They reconstructed his body using a new type of plastic resin and then replaced his brain with that of a cretinous dog, wired into the main circuit board of an unwanted BigTrak. The result is the distilled form of Saturday-night ITV “personality” that the commercial stations have been searching for since the birth of television.
It’s perfect. He has that bizarre, hollow expression combined with a lantern-jawed, gormless countenance which, when combined with spray-on-tan, gets the ladies of ITV’s target audience moist. But at the same time he has the powerful ability to spew a perpetual stream of saucy trifling drivel that the male members of the audience – and I mean “members” – can enjoy. Those in the audience with some sort of vestigial brain may also enjoy Vern’s televisual presence by convincing themselves that his camp twattery is all “ironic”.