Today is St Patrick’s day, and everyone in the entire world is celebrating by wearing green, drinking stupid amounts of alcohol and explaining why they are, actually, Irish.

But why do we celebrate this wonderful day? What is it that we are actually celebrating?

Well sit back and let me explain the complex history behind this monumental holiday.

Let’s travel back 4000 years to soon after God created the earth. Everything was peaceful, and the bounty of God’s earth provided for every living being, meaning that everyone had food, shelter and warmth.

But there was one problem that no-one could have predicted: snakes. Ever since Eve betrayed the trust of Adam (and our Lord God) by eating the apple, Satan became empowered and propagated his evil seed into a thousand snakes. Each snake begat a thousand snakes and each of those begat a thousand more until the Garden of Eden was full of slimy, poisonous, evil snakes.

Theologian scholars have now managed, by advanced theological methods, to trace the original location of the Garden of Eden to what we now call “Ireland”! If you think about it, it makes sense! A beautiful green land, full of magic and wonder. If you still doubt this, then read Genesis and its clear and unambiguous description of Leprechauns.

Around this time lived an Irish lad whose name was Patrick O’Piseadeynnnegan (pronounced “omally”) living in Ireland after the English army had killed all of his friends and family for being Irish. Patrick was well versed in ancient Catholic prayers and realised that the one thing the snakes could not beat was the power of prayer. So for literally hours on end, he prayed for the death of the billions of snakes. And it came to pass, after a while, that God heard Patrick and decided to help him by throwing all of the snakes into the sea. And Patrick did say “you Lord are the most loving of Lords!” and the snakes did drown and leave the holy land of Ireland free. To celebrate, Patrick mixed together some Irish herbs with the green rivers of the emerald isle, producing a healthy, intoxicating drink, which we know today as “Guinness.”

And this is why, until this very day, we still celebrate St Patrick’s day by getting fucked off our tits on Guinness or any other alcoholic beverage we can get our hands on!

Happy St Patrick’s Day!