We knew it would happen; it was only a matter of time.
Our drives to work have started turning me into a traffic-obsessed fool.
The main problem from my point of view is that traffic provides a very limited universe of possibilities yet appears to allow for a huge number of outcomes. It’s like the ultimate video game ever and with the best, most realistic, graphics. However, even though Michele and I are crap at video games we have cracked this one. We sussed the rules a long time ago and are constantly amazed by how difficult the other players find it and how they are consequently punished. So, for the benefit of the other players, here is the winning strategy:
- You can’t beat the traffic! If you try, you will always lose. You can only do well by comparison. By comparison to all the impatient morons who think they can beat it.
- Stay in the slow lane for the entire journey, unless the person in front of you is so slow they have stopped. Changing lanes in heavy traffic doesn’t help! The traffic is heavy, so both lanes are still. You may think that no-one else has thought about switching lanes, and that it might be the key to a fast journey. But it’s not, because they have. And it does nothing but use up your oh-so-expensive gas.
- Stay at as constant a speed as possible. Don’t rapidly accelerate or decelerate because that will simply burn your gas. Every day we watch a bunch of drivers cutting in and out of each lane in a pathetic attempt to get ahead. In every case we are always amazed to see them coming up from behind us time and time again after they have gained half a car-length in front of us a few minutes before. They always lose.
- Get off the phone you fucking idiot!
- Don’t tailgate unless you are proud of being the most stupid cock on the road. If the person in front has to stop suddenly, you will damage their car and they will damage your wallet. If they aren’t going fast enough then pass on the “fast lane”. The clue is in the name. If they are in the fast lane and doing over 50, then deal with it. Why are you in such a hurry ?
Who’d a thunk I’d ever written a blog about bad driving. All driving is bad.