Why the world is broken – Part 1 – Miss Management

Why the world is broken

Part 1 – Miss Management

Who is Miss Management ?
She is the godess of incompetence, superfluity, and prodigality.

Originally, the idea of “management” was to oversee, plan, and ultimately take responsibility for something. It’s quite a good idea in many ways and good managers were often able to take something sick and weak, and turn it into something strong and useful.

Nowadays the meaning of “management” has changed. It now refers to a seemingly mandatory layer of staff in an organisation whose job it is to have meetings, discuss things that they don’t understand, draw pictures and find ways of disposing of company cash and assets.
Here’s a true story to illustrate:

A while ago I was doing some contract work for a very large media/technology company (TV, telecoms, networks etc etc etc). This company had an excellent set of IT staff, who all appeared to be keen and competent, and so I was curious about why they felt the need to hire me to do what was a very simple job.
Being a contractor I didn’t have a desk of my own, and so was shuffled around to desks of the ill, deceased or fired.
One day I was positioned near a bunch of right managers, one of whom had just come back from an outdoorsy management training weekend; lots of climbing, canoeing and team-building type activities by the sound of it. Group hugs. Emotions. Workshops. Role-playing…. that sort of thing. She was saying how much she was looking forward to getting back to work so that she could put her newly developed skills into action.

She, and her suited colleagues, then spent the entire morning on the phones to various people arranging meetings to discuss “compliance”. As if this wasn’t irritating enough, I overheard them saying that Cap Gemini were being brought in for a meeting. Why ? I thought. Why bring in vastly overpriced consultants when you have such a good team of *genuinely* skilled teccies ?

Later that day the entire IT department was taken into a meeting and told that the company was downsizing and 50% of them were being fired! Perhaps they needed to fund the hours-worth of consultancy with cap-gemini ?

Since then the company has announced even greater losses and is in even more trouble. I just love the idea of management sitting in their massivel expsnsive offices wringing their hands saying “But we’ve spent 100s of millions on consultants and strategy groups and we’re still loosing money! How ? Quick, hire more accountants!”

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Today England play Nigeria in the world cup.
Like many people thoughout the country I am off sick. However, there are differences between me and everyone else:

  • I am ill
  • I will not be watching this tedious cack.

Instead I shall watch bob the builder and eat an onion bagel.

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Today is extreme computing 2002. I can’t stay too long unfortunately – pity… Good timing tho’ – works network is unavailable from the outside world while they do some mucking about with power-feeds so going out sounds even better. It’s like loosing a leg when that network’s down…
# ping x.x.2.89
PING x.x.2.89 (x.x.2.89): 56 data bytes

🙁

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How embarrassing. Eastenders was put back an hour for match of the bastard day. This was the last straw, so I phoned the BBC duty office (08700100222) to complain – apparently they log and pass on all comments.

The bloke on the end of the phone did not seem to be that interested in my opinion, that match of the day should just fuck right off, and so it got slightly personal:
“Look, I’m not having a go at you, it’s just that there
are lots of licence payers who don’t like football, and who don’t give a toss about the queen.”

“But there are lots of licence payers who do like football and if we didn’t cover it then they would complain.”

“Come on, you’re scottish – surely you must agree that the jubilee is a total waste of time”
“actually I’m Irish”
“Oh shit. I’m so sorry.. that was stupid….but anyway, as an Irishman surely you must agree…hold on…Rupublic of ireland or Northern Ireland ?”
“Northern Ireland”
“Look, I’m really, really sorry. I fell like a right twat now”
and so I do. I blame the two bottles of wine.

Sorry man – but it turns out I’m a right wanker…

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Now and again it’s nice to spend a long time away from the telly, engaging in mentally stimulating activities.
But today was not such an occasion. I shamelessly watched an hour and half of big-brother action. Michele was out on a case, leaving a perfect opportunity to do all of the things you can’t do when your wife/husband/parents aren’t there (like looking for your christmas presents, pissing in the sink and eating things out of their containers with your hands) but I did none of that. Just watched a shameful amount of telly.
Being a voyeur, Big Brother is excellent entertainment, however I feel sorry for those TV-watchers who like to keep themselves to themselves… today they had the choice of football, religion, the queen, football and big brother….

But despite this orgy of disgusting vegetation I did have a play with the Nokia cables kit that I bought a while ago. What a cool toy. Managed to unlock my wife’s 3330 and my 6210 with no hassle. Also, after hanging around in some seedy areas of IRC I managed to get hold of some good software for mucking about with logos and ringtones off of some shady bot on the east-side of EF-Net. Regardless I still rate Gnokii as the best toolkit around for legit mobile manipulation.

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Three football matches on TV this morning. Ben is staying here and he’s “into the footy”, so they’re all being watched. I go to have a bath – one of the greatest pleasures in life, a long, deep bath, radio-4 or maybe a book… so I turn on the radio. Ah, a programme about ‘Socrates’; sounds interesting!

But, hold on. Something’s wrong. We don’t appear to be discussing critical reasoning…in fact it sounds like…oh god surely not…yes…FUCKING BLOODY FOOTBALL. There’s no escape. As Charlie Brooker said in last week’s Guardian, “What an appalling time this is for non-voyeuristic, unpatriotic, football-hating Britons”.


Oh yes, http://www.fuckhotmail.com/ is open for business.

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It seems that the last US census produced a load of Scotts! Without any warning America has been invaded with Scotsmen, who then killed the same number of yanks – that can be the only explanation for why so many suddenly appeared. To celebrate this massive invasion, which seemingly went unnoticed by the US DoD, a new TV channel is being launched called [cringe] “Tartan TV”. Now all these “Genuine Scotts(TM)” can enjoy real “Scotch” culture by watching 24hr porridge-eating, caber-tossing and kilt-wearing competitions.

I wonder if they will follow the example of the billions of “Genuine Irish” and open theme pubs:

PLEASE WAIT HERE TO BE SEATED

“Hi! My name’s Morag and I’ll be your waitress for this visit to McDougalls Genuine Scotch Pub. If there’s anything you want then please DINNAE be afraid to ask.
Can I interest you in any of our Genuine Scotch(TM) starters ? We have Scotch Oatmeal (with real Scotch Maple syrup and bluberries and a bonnie heather garnish)…etc ad nauseam….

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OK call me a hippy if you like, but this song was on an album of kids songs my dad gave me when I was very, very young…it was the 70s, but even so it is spot on – especially today. Mail me if you can’t find a copy in the shops 🙂

THE THOUGHT STAYED FREE
by Tom Paxton

a thought was born in the mind of a man
and it didn’t please you and it didn’t please me
so we all got together and we made our plan
to drown that thought in the deep blue sea

so we wrapped it up, in a chain we bought
cos it didn’t please you, it didn’t please me
to the bottom of the ocean we threw that thought
and the chain went down but the thought stayed free

we locked that thought in the dungeon cell
we slammed the door, threw away the key
and how it happenned no-one can tell
for the door stayed locked but the thought went free

so the councillors met and laws were passed
the laws were nailed on every tree
all the sheriffs were summoned, and troops were massed
all the tanks turned out but the thought went free

then the councillors fears were realised
and they were frightened as they could be
for they only had to look in peoples eyes
for the terrible news that the thought was free

yes the thought was free and it spread like fire
though it didn’t please you, and it didn’t please me
it was banished from the land by the king’s desire
and the boat pulled out but the thought stayed free

now worst of all in this terrible tale
though we tried to hurl it from our shores
not only did this troublesome though prevail
but worst of all one thought bred more

(my transcription, so my fault if there are mistakes. I love Tom).

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