Africa is on the verge of a famine so big that Bob Geldorf will this time be forced to call everyone a ‘cunt’ on national telly. But there’s nothing anyone can do. Even though they only need money in the order of millions of dollars, the world just can’t afford it. We can’t ask private companies like Microsoft, Phillip Morris and Starbucks to bail them out…where’s the business sense in that ? The government certainly can’t afford it – they have to save up to buy guns for the exciting war on terror so that they can protect their oil interests. I know these bleeding-heart liberals will suggest we overturn our freedoms and insist that we give the heard-earned wealth of capitalism to the lazy poor…but these people are simply against democracy.

Earlier this evening I had the misfortune to go to Eltham. While there I popped by my mum and dad’s place to drop off a book. I’d given my keys to Kathleen, a friend who’s staying with us for a while, and so couldn’t let myself in, and rang the bell. The lights were on. The car was there. No answer. I rang again. I called them on the phone. No answer. A bit perplexing, and also a little disturbing. Being honest it was also a bit irritating because I was damn hungry and was looking forward to a slice of toast…but I got the bus home.

Later, once I’d got home, I rang to make sure everything was ok. It turns out my mum was in, but not answering the door. Earlier this week they’d had a house call by the brothers Dodgy, who told her that they needed to come in to “check the walls”. Did they learn nothing from Fawlty Towers ? She told them where to go, slammed the door and now lives in fear of their return with chainsaws.

To me, my mum and dad are mum and dad. To other people they are pensioners. Weird feeling realising that. As my mum was telling me I realised that some scum had seen them as pensioners…and so vulnerable.

It made me realise that I could kill a man in cold blood.