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If you’re planning a visit to England and are keen to experience English culture then now would be a perfect time! Look at all of the oh-so-England things you can experience at this special time of year:

  • Weeks and weeks of football everywhere you look, every tv programme, every commercial, every pub, every newspaper. Football, football, football, football, football, football, football.
  • British summer! Yes that uncomfortably muggy moist feeling, coupled with a grey-tainted appearance of the sun from behind a cloud yielding a truly gloomy feeling that overcomes your entire being.
  • Ladettes on every TV channel, desperately trying to demonstrate how into ‘the footy’ they are. As a result of these morons there is even more football football football on the footballing telly and every footballing other footballing place you footballing turn.
  • Baddiel and Skinner is on! Yes, two blokes, one sofa, no script, just loads more fucking football.
  • Football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football,football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football
  • The Traditional English Boozer! Recently refitted of course and without any character and with outrageously expensive drinks and with a massive 10ft screen showing non-stop football, football, football over and over again with no stopping, and where there’s no football then the highlights and the results and football, football, football bloody football…that permanent crowd sound sapping every bit of creativity and inspiration from every cell in your body…the tedious monotonic monologues from the commentators…the stillness in an otherwise lively place as hundreds of identical-looking short-haired blokes and their brainless ovine girlfriends all stand motionless in their overpriced synthetic football tops watching 22 blokes kicking a piece of leather about on a strip of grass. When it’s not eerily quiet, it’s so loud your eardrums ache as everyone leaps into the air screaming for joy, because one of the 22 blokes has managed to convey the piece of leather into a specific part of the grass strip.
  • Fighting! What English saturday night would be complete without a fight that ends in hospitalisation! Usually the fights are related to drinking too much (whilst watching the football, football, football). For extra special violence then try pubs near football grounds! Just go in there wearing the wrong overpriced synthetic football strip and they’ll happily adorn you with a blood-shirt.
  • The JUBILEE! What joy as everyone in Britain celebrates the outsanding achievement the queen has made by being a queen for a while! There’ll be awkward parties in the streets, bored children, uninterested millions, hours and hours of TV voxpop interviews (inbetween the endless hours of football football football) with insane arseholes who like to sleep outside someone else’s house.
  • More football! So much football that you can’t believe that its all real.
  • Award winning tv adverts featuring lifestyles that you will never achieve and loads more football, football football
  • News about the middle-east, the rise of fascism in europe and more importanly football, football, football

You think England have got a chance then ? Yeah I reckon they have yeah. Did you see the footy last night ? I love football, I really fucking love it. I could watch it all day every day for the rest of my life which is really fortunate because I won’t have a choice…

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