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It seems that the last US census produced a load of Scotts! Without any warning America has been invaded with Scotsmen, who then killed the same number of yanks – that can be the only explanation for why so many suddenly appeared. To celebrate this massive invasion, which seemingly went unnoticed by the US DoD, a new TV channel is being launched called [cringe] “Tartan TV”. Now all these “Genuine Scotts(TM)” can enjoy real “Scotch” culture by watching 24hr porridge-eating, caber-tossing and kilt-wearing competitions.

I wonder if they will follow the example of the billions of “Genuine Irish” and open theme pubs:


“Hi! My name’s Morag and I’ll be your waitress for this visit to McDougalls Genuine Scotch Pub. If there’s anything you want then please DINNAE be afraid to ask.
Can I interest you in any of our Genuine Scotch(TM) starters ? We have Scotch Oatmeal (with real Scotch Maple syrup and bluberries and a bonnie heather garnish)…etc ad nauseam….

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