Three football matches on TV this morning. Ben is staying here and he’s “into the footy”, so they’re all being watched. I go to have a bath – one of the greatest pleasures in life, a long, deep bath, radio-4 or maybe a book… so I turn on the radio. Ah, a programme about ‘Socrates’; sounds interesting!

But, hold on. Something’s wrong. We don’t appear to be discussing critical reasoning…in fact it sounds like…oh god surely not…yes…FUCKING BLOODY FOOTBALL. There’s no escape. As Charlie Brooker said in last week’s Guardian, “What an appalling time this is for non-voyeuristic, unpatriotic, football-hating Britons”.

Oh yes, http://www.fuckhotmail.com/ is open for business.