The term “first class delivery” has changed its meaning in the past few years. Nowadays it refers to a value-added service provided by the post office and other couriers whereby you pay a substantial amount more for the delivery and in return they reduce the risk of the package getting stolen en route. It’s very similar to what they used to call a protection racket. Nowadays whenever you send anything by post it’s as if the delivery company say “Oh what a lovely parcel eh Ron ? Let’s hope it doesn’t get stolen during the delivery – you can’t trust anyone these days. Hey, tell you what, why don’t you buy our parcel protection service and we’ll take extra special care of it.”

This is why I don’t like buying on-line. No matter how good the vendors’ service is, and these days it’s usually much better than a shop, to actually get you the goods they throw your purchace into the black-hole of the post.

I ordered a digital camera from amazon last week and saved 60 quid on the price compared to buying on the high street. I payed for the “first class, 2 business day” delivery. Firstly because I wanted it quickly, secondly because I actually wanted to receive it. Well, bugger me backwards, I still haven’t got it and probably won’t get it until next week. pARSEl Force’s excellent tracking website has a list of the many times they tried and failed to deliver it to me. Odd that they failed, I mean there’s someone on the door pretty much 24 hours a day . It’s almost as if they’re a bunch of fucking liars or something!

However, it’s the 21st century so we need worry not because the excellent automated telephone systems will sort it out for us! They have a very simple to use voice recognition system with an understanding and apologetic male voice THAT DOESN’T BASTARD WELL WORK. Of course it doesn’t! VR doesn’t work. You’ll know when it does because all of the call-centre workers will get the sack over night. But still Parcel Force use it. I can only imagine the reason for this is that it is a very cheap an efficient way of pissing the customers off so much that they give up in despair.