How to change your PIN with The Royal Bank of Beelzebub

The Royal Bank of Beelzebub has an automated telephone system for changing your PIN – it’s so easy – and it’s free! After you dial-in, give them your credit card number and SSN, you enter an amazing voice recognition system. Here is a sample session.
Robot: Main menu. When you hear the option you want, just say it. Hear your balance. Request more credit. Something useless. Something even more useless. Something so useless you can’t believe we’ve put it on the menu. More options.
Me: More options.
Robot: I’m sorry, I did…
Me: MORE OPTIONS.
Robot: More options. When you hear the option you want, just say it. Donate money to the Republicans. PIN services.
Me: PIN services.
Robot: I’m sorry I didn…
Me: PIN SERVICES.
Robot: Pin services. Report your card stolen. Change PIN.
Me: Change PIN.
Robot: I’m sorry I…
Me: CHANGE PIN.
Robot: I’m sorry I…
Me: CHANGE PIN!
Robot: I’m sorry I…
Me: PIN! Change my PIN YOU FUCKING CUNT!
Robot: Main menu.
Me: Change PIN!
Robot: I’m Sorry I…
Me: MORE OPTIONS!
Robot: More options. When…
Me: PIN SERVICES!
Robot: Pin…
Me: Change PIN!
Robot: Change PIN. Please hold while you are connected to a representative. [clicks…ring tone…music…]
Doofus1: Hello. Thank you for banking with The Dark Lord, Satan. How can I help you today?
Me: Seriously? You seriously don’t know how you can help me today?
Doofus1: …uh…wha…
Me: You are telling me you have no idea that I want to change my PIN.
Doofus1: Well I do know now that you’re telling me…
Me: So why did I just have to spend five minutes trying to explain to a robot, who didn’t understand a bloody word I said, that I want to change my PIN when they’re not going to bother telling you? Why didn’t they just connect me to you in the first place?
Doofus1: we’re not allowed to see that information, I’m sorry sir. [Giggling] Let me connect you to the right department…
Me: What? Seriously? You’re not even the person who can change PINs?
Doofus1: [Laughing] no, I’m so sorry sir, I’m not even the right person. Let me connect you…thank you for banking with Eternal-Damnation Credit [clicks…hold music…silence…music…]
Doofus2: [Sounds of crying baby in the background]Hello sir, you have a problem with your PIN.
Me: Yes I need to change it. I don’t know what it is.
Doofus2: OK sir, we need to activate your new card.
Me: No. No you don’t. That’s not why I’m calling. I have an existing card that is still valid. I just don’t know the PIN.
Doofus2: OK sir, I can only change your pin, once the card is activated.
Me: I don’t need a card activated. The card I’m holding is active – it expires at the end of 8/11, it’s currently 7/11. I just don’t know the PIN. Doofus2: Well sir, it looks like we have sent you a card…
Me: Maybe! But that has nothing to do with this call. I have a card in my hand that is valid for two months, and I don’t know the PIN. I just need to set a new PIN.
Doofus2: Well sir, you only need the PIN if you are going to use the card at an ATM…
Me: I KNOW! That’s why I’m calling! I want to know the PIN. You have told me three times now that I have to activate a card and three times I’ve told you I just don’t know the PIN!
Doofus2: I’m afraid we can’t see the PIN sir. [long pause]
Me: What?
Doofus2: All I can do is send you the PIN in the mail.
Me: THAT’S FINE! SEND ME THE PIN! WONDERFUL. THAT’S WHAT I WANT.
Doofus2: What is your address?
Me: You don’t know my address?
Doofus2: I need you to confirm…
Me: XXXX XXXXXXXXX ROAD. It’s where you send my statements, and presumably where you sent the new card.
Doofus2: I just needed to confirm.
Me: That’s the one! Send it there! Then we’ll all be happy! My other bank is
really
backwards though. To change your PIN there you have to login to a website, click “change pin” and then give it a new PIN. Pain in the arse.


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