A wee drop…of piss

Ocean Spray - Straight from the bogAny Brits reading this should take a moment or two to peruse the website of Ocean Spray and enjoy a couple of puerile laughs. You might also want to look at their bog cam.…hehehehe…they said “bog”…hehehehe…

Yesterday, as the next part of my pre-job procedure, I had to go to a lab and piss into a cup. Over here even some of the most benign jobs require that you don’t take illegal drugs. This is, of course, an outrageous state of affairs, but it goes on and I had to comply. Land of the free, my arse.

Anyway we went along to the nearest lab (they are everywhere here) and signed in. Every so often the lady behind the counter announced that “drugs screen people must be able to use the restroom.” This bizarre statement could be interpreted in a number of ways, but it was simply a typically coy way of saying “you will be required to give urine, don’t pee beforehand and maybe drink some water.” Like anyone there didn’t realise why they were there, or what everyone else was doing when they went through the little white door. I hate the fact that over here you can’t discuss a toilet in public – even saying the word “toilet” is considered disgusting. I refuse to say “restroom” because I’m clearly not after a little rest and saying “bathroom” with my accent sounds, to the American ear, like I’m a cross between Hugh Grant and Prince Charles.
Anyway, when it was my turn to micturate, I was called to the window by name which the lady thoughtfully pronounced in an “English” way, to much amusement from the other punters. I was then led to a toilet, given a specimen cup, told “half way” and left alone. Filling those bloody things is tricky as you probably know. Once the level was at the half way mark I suspended my flow and looked for somewhere to put it down while I continued; holding it would have increased the risk of dropping it, which would have been disastrously embarrassing and could have yielded me “out of the running” for this particular day’s piss collection. So, still holding back the tide, I carefully placed the jar on the edge of the sink, where it duly slipped off the edge and sprayed its contents over a wide area of floor. Most annoying, especially as my normal reaction would be to shout some obscenities and kick things; under the current circumstances that could have escalated the disaster. Still clenching the appropriate muscles I managed to pick up the jar, refill it, re-clench, close the lid, put it down and finish the job. I then had to perform a rapid cleaning job without getting messy, which took quite a bit of time. It wasn’t until I left the place that I considered how dodgy that may have appeared: spending a long time giving a specimen for a drugs screen…oh well, we’ll see.

“Are you testing for alcohol ?” I asked the lady afterwards.
“No, just illegal drugs” she replied.
“Good!” I responded.

Makes perfect sense doesn’t it?


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