The government have prepared in advance for a time of national panic such as a terrorist bombing, a nuclear disaster or the England football team being beaten fair-and-square by a better team.

Tragically, the latter disaster occured this week (apparently) and so the Government have had to resort to using the emergency plan.

Tonight on ITV1, the channel devoted to the sort of people whom government national emergency plans are intended to pacify, is broadcasting a programme that will make everyone in GREAT Britain feel better about themselves, thus averting riots and general unrest throughout the nation. This programe is called “Dumb Foreigners”.

“Dumb Foreigners” is yet another one of those “World’s most stupid cunts caught on video” programme, but with all the British people taken out. With such a cunning formula the British can look and laugh as Dr Fox (Britian’s funniest and most likeable celebrity) takes us on a tour of the world, where foreigners eat bees, set each other on fire, fall off things, get injured by animals (it’s OK – they’re foreign), and generally act like the uncivilised morons they really are.

However, cynic that I am, I suspect that this programme is probably syndicated worldwide and slightly longer than the version we’re seeing. In each country in which it is aired, the linkman is replaced with a celebrity of equal stature to Dr Fox, and the clips from the hosting country removed. This will, naturally, mean that in every country outside of the UK that sees it, will see lots of pictures of Brits acting like wankers and getting hurt. But what would those clips involve ? When do Brits ever behave stupidly ?
Here are my guesses at the sort of material the “dumb foreigners” get to see of the British:

• Teenagers in sportswear sniffing solvents, and then lighting a fag (cigarette) and causing themselves to explode
• Big fat blokes in st george cross T-shrits with one arm round an identical-looking friend, and the other holding a can of lager, jumping up and down and shouting racist chants before puking over each other and pissing their pants
• People being forced to leave the pub at 11:20 and then eating rat, dog and cat meat on a spike in the local “kebab shop”
• Fat people dancing at weddings and then falling over because they haven’t used their legs for 10 years
• People trying to barbeque chicken in the rain
• Dopey women and middle-class men trying to persuade their mates that they not only give a flying fuck about football, but they know and care about “the diamond formation”