The night before last, Ian, Kate and I sat in the Rosemary branch talking about this and that. Kate was relating anecdotes about the time she spent in Argentina and we listened attentively. Now this is going to sound so utterly stupid that you might start questionning my mental health – I know I did – but one story really amazed me…as it should, being total bollocks. She told us about how she stayed in this remote village where it was traditional to castrate sheep…with their teeth. Apparently she even had photos to prove it. Now look, I know it sounds stupid but you’re reading this, forwarned. We were in a pub, after consuming quite a few pints, and this story was in the middle of some legit stuff…
Anyway – I didn’t sus that it was bollocks until late yesterday when I had a moment of clarity. That morning I even asked her if she’d brought the pictures in…oh god what a wanker…
Yesterday I went over to Eltham to sort out my mum and dad’s ADSL, only to find my dad with bandaged hand after seriously burning it. He’d put some plates under the grill to “warm” them, forgotten about them, and then picked them up. Skin falling off everywhere. After a while my mum managed to bludgeon him into calling NHS direct, who after the obligatory hour-long wait to call back told him to go to hospital. What a great service that is….
Before they left they had time to tell me about the next piece of spectacularly shitty luck to be given out to a couple of my favourite relations – a malignant tumor. These particular relations are possibly the most selfless, caring, funny, lovely people on the face of the earth. They’ve spent their life just being good people and helping other people out. What is their reward ? Two dead children, chronic illness, chronic financial difficulties and insults from the mad part of the family. Now they’re both in the same hospital being treated for different problems…one of which has just been discovered to be pretty bloody serious. Isn’t it bloody fair ?
As I’ve said before if there is a god, he’s a bastard. Perhaps this is some sort of biblical test of faith ? Have they passed I wonder ? Sorry, but you just didn’t pray enough – take the down escalator. What a nasty egomaniac shitbag. He’s like the school-bully on a universal scale.
Even people who live good lives still can’t escape his shitty sense of humour. You grow, and develop, and learn, and become wiser. All the time your body is decaying, slowly but surely taking you closer to death. All the things you learn slowly vanish as your brain cells disappear. If you survive all of the common health obsticles such as heart-disease and cancer then you can enjoy old age and all of the pant-shitting, senile, confused, dignity that goes with it. Thanks god.
