The Law is a Ass

The Law (noun) has taken pride of place in my cabinet of things that are responsible for everything wrong in the world. It is a large oak 18th century corner cabinet with mirrored backs and a glass front. One day I’ll take a photo for you.
Most people consider The Law (or more usually “Law and Order” – a terrible misnomer) a good thing, but that is simply propaganda from the lawmakers and the people who benefit directly from The Law. Kafka wrote a typically surreal and insightful short story about The Law which is well worth reading: Before The Law.

So here is some advice from the little I have learned when dealing with The Law personally and second-hand; regardless I believe it to be true. Hopefully it will help if you ever have to deal with lawyers, the police or the man.

  1. Be co-operative without co-operating. Do not answer legal letters unless they have proof you received them – e.g. a signed delivery to you or by being “served”. They hate that and eventually give up; it costs a lot to send a human being after you – and unless they can actually connect with you, there’s no guarantee you got the message.
  2. Never refuse to co-operate! In fact assure your agressors that you wish to help 100%. Direct refusal is recognizable by The Law; laziness, forgetfulness, ennui and general crapness are not.
  3. Don’t be scared by their scare tactics! Just because an envelope comes by UPS/FedEX express and contains a bunch of legal sounding threats does not mean it has any legal value at all. Lawyers are good at scaring people. Don’t be scared. 99% of it is legally useless bluster. They rely on scared people contacting them. Non-cooperation costs the lawyers’ clients more money.
  4. If you do have to deal with the lawyers then for the love of His Noodly Appendage don’t do it in writing! Phone them! You may even get legal tips from your agressors lawyers that end up costing your agressor! Getting recorded phone-calls submitted to court is still a surprisingly difficult business.
  5. Always remember the golden rule when dealing with The Law – if you have to say something, say nothing.
  6. Ignore the advice of lawyers, in general. They will tell you that what I suggest is illegal while missing the irony of their advice. They get paid by the hour – longer periods of agression are good for them. They don’t want it to end. if you’re not paying, don’t worry about it.

Further “reading”:


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