{"id":411,"date":"2007-05-26T19:34:51","date_gmt":"2007-05-26T19:34:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/bologs\/vng\/vernon-kaye-the-truth\/"},"modified":"2007-05-26T19:34:51","modified_gmt":"2007-05-26T19:34:51","slug":"vernon-kaye-the-truth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/vernon-kaye-the-truth\/","title":{"rendered":"Vernon Kaye: The truth"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"media\/kayesmiley.jpg\" width=\"360\" height=\"159\" align=\"right\" alt=\"Vernon Vs Guy\" style=\"illustration\" \/>Standing on TV like a flesh and blood Guy Smiley with his gormless, vapid grin, ludicrous hairstyle, and wacky posturing, you&#8217;d think that Vernon Kaye was a completely expendable moron. But please don&#8217;t be fooled, he&#8217;s not what he seems. You&#8217;d even be forgiven for thinking that he could fuck right off and stuff his slimy repartee up his arse&#8230;but it&#8217;s just a clever ruse.<br \/>\nThe sinister truth is that he was created, Steve Austin-style, from the remains of a car crash involving the bastard son of Roger Moore and a fresh leg of New Zealand lamb. They reconstructed his body using a new type of plastic resin and then replaced his brain with that of a cretinous dog, wired into the main circuit board of an unwanted <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Bigtrak\" target=\"_new\">BigTrak.<\/a> The result is the distilled form of Saturday-night ITV &#8220;personality&#8221; that the commercial stations have been searching for since the birth of television.<br \/>\nIt&#8217;s perfect. He has that bizarre, hollow expression combined with a lantern-jawed, gormless countenance which, when combined with spray-on-tan, gets the ladies of ITV&#8217;s target audience moist. But at the same time he has the powerful ability to spew a perpetual stream of saucy trifling drivel that the male members of the audience &#8211; and I mean &#8220;members&#8221; &#8211; can enjoy. Those in the audience with some sort of vestigial brain may also enjoy Vern&#8217;s televisual presence by convincing themselves that his camp twattery is all &#8220;ironic&#8221;.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Standing on TV like a flesh and blood Guy Smiley with his gormless, vapid grin, ludicrous hairstyle, and wacky posturing, you&#8217;d think that Vernon Kaye was a completely expendable moron. But please don&#8217;t be fooled, he&#8217;s not what he seems. You&#8217;d even be forgiven for thinking that he could fuck right off and stuff his [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-411","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/411","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=411"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/411\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=411"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=411"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fatsquirrel.org\/oldfartsalmanac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=411"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}