Tips for the modern terrorist

Traveling back from the US has, once again, broken our internal clocks. I know how to stop it happening – you just stay up all day when you get back, but that’s easier said than done; must be age. But I did manage to force myself to get up at 6pm and meet the others down the pub. Good night that was, despite Dan’s mullet.

The trip back was great once we’d undergone the “theatre for stupid people” that is US security.
“Hey – your bag’s covering your laptop. I’m going to have to put it through the scanner again” screamed the “security official”.
“What ? I took it out of the bag – like you asked me to.”
“You put your bag on top of it so it looks like you’re trying to hide it.”
WTF ? I was standing there in bare feet, holding my trousers up by hand, since my belt was in yet another grey plastic tray; I’m being told that I’ve breached security in some way and as if this whole charade wasn’t ridiculous enough the guy is telling me the x-ray machine can’t see through some cheap nylon laptop bag. So, here is my list of top tips for terrorists wishing to blow up planes in the US:

  • Hide your C4 in a free CompUSA laptop bag as the airport security scanners can’t see through them.
  • Whilst the vigilant US security staff insist on passengers removing their shoes, the UK ones don’t. Simply blow-up planes going to the US (like on 9/11)!
  • Another glaring loophole is within the airside shopping and dining facilities at the airport. The US security people have wisely insisted that only plastic knives be available for passenger use, but they give you metal forks! So, steal a TGI Friday fork and then use that to force your way into the cockpit.
  • Despite the rigorous security, I have never been asked to take off my underpants, or had a full cavity search! I know! The fools! So use exploding underpants, or a ceramic rectal grenade.

Look, I understand the need for security, and I even understand the need to put on an OTT display for the benefit of the stupid people. But couldn’t we have two queues, one for the “patriots”, that includes all of this bizarre pissing about to make them feel better, and one for everyone else ?


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